| 1. Intro (Being Born) |
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| 2. Hit My Head with a Hammer |
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| 3. Make Me a Tin Foil Suit to Wear and Then Force Me to Walk Around in the Storm |
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| 4. Throw a Banana Peel in the Path of my Unicycle |
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| 5. Seal My Mouth and Nose with Superglue and Crazyglue |
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| 6. Put Me in a Gigantic Toaster and Watch Me Pop Up Burnt to a Crisp |
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| 7. Put Me In a Bathtub Filled With Acid |
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| 8. Poison My Soymilk |
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| 9. Chop Off My Nose (and Don't Give Me Bandages) |
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| 10. Shoot Me with a Gun |
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| 11. Stab Me with a Fork |
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| 12. Use a Gigantic Claw to Crush Me Like an Ant |
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| 13. Cover Me with Honey and Unleash the Bees (I'm Allergic to Bees) |
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| 14. Kick Me in the Nuts |
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| 15. Kill Me with Voodoo |
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| 16. Bury Me Alive |
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| 17. Make Me a Noose and I'll Take it from There |
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| 18. Pretend You're Taking Me Out to Brunch And then Kidnap Me, Tie Me Up, and Make Me Drink Gasoline (Brunch-Crunch) |
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| 19. Wait For Me to Finish Building a Treehouse and Then Cut It Down Once I'm Up There |
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| 20. Lock Me in a Cabinet and When I Scream "Help I'm Suffocating" Just Ignore Me |
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| 21. Push Me Out a Window |
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| 22. Push Me Down a Staircase |
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| 23. On X-mas Make Me Be Under the Mistletoe with a Girl Who Has AIDS and Cuts in Her Mouth |
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| 24. Tell Me to Get into a Motorcycle Accident |
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| 25. Push Me Out an Airplane with a Fake Parachute |
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| 26. Send Me to Iraq |
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| 27. Ask Me What my Favorite Horror Movie Is and When I Say "Nightmare on Elm Street 4", Chop Off My Ear Until I Bleed to Death |
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| 28. Put a Razor Blade in My Burrito |
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| 29. Impale My Face with a Pitchfork |
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| 30. Beat Me with a Baseball Bat |
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| 31. Beat Me Unmerciful |
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| 32. Break a Bottle in My Face |
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| 33. Chuck a Cinderblock at My Face |
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| 34. Put My Nose in Heather Colona's Booty While She Eats Beans and Farts (Brooke Bonomi Looks Like Chewbacca) |
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| 35. Inject Me With a Needle that Mutates Me into a Lobster (Then Put Me in Hot Water) |
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| 36. Froce Me to Be Within 100 Feet of Jessica Motty's Filthy Cunt-Like Slophole without Wearing a Condom or Gasmask or Radiation Suit and Watch Me Catch AIDS Faster than You Can Say the Word Slut |
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| 37. Make Me Swim Around in Lava |
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| 38. Wale Me in the Crotch with a Plank of Wood with a Nail Sticking Out of It |
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| 39. Chisel at My Face Until I'm Dead |
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| 40. Slash Me with a Chain for Fun and Then Tie Me Up and Put Me in a Walk-In Freezer Till I Get So Cold that I Croak |
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| 41. Slash My Skull with an Axe |
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| 42. Have Me Sit in the Sun for a Long Time So I Turn into a Human Raisin |
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| 43. Blind Fold Me and Guide Me into a Highway |
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| 44. Bite My Ear Off |
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| 45. Rape Me in the Armpit with a Chainsaw |
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| 46. Throw Me Off a Cliff |
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| 47. Burn Me with Acid |
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| 48. Hit Me with a Lead Pipe |
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| 49. Duct Tape My Head to Explosives |
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| 50. Shave Me With a Rusty Razor |
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| 51. Slip Some Rat Poison into My Bagel |
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| 52. Entering the Gates of Hell |
