1. PRELUDE TO A FIST

(Instrumental)


2. THIRTY SHADES OF WHITE

Pam thinks her husband is an idiot.
"Fuck you Ned you are a wanker", drunkenly muttering to herself.
With half a slab of UDL under her belt she staggers out to the paddock to his precious shed.
Jack Daniels collectables floor to ceiling, including the old No. 7 Ned's mate painted on a barrel. It looks shit as.
There's piles of clothes on the floor and a two litre Peters Original lid.
Moaning rises from under the floor.
Pam bursts through the basement door and sees a group of men in a circle, chillaxing and patting their dicks.
"What the fuck is going on cunts? Fucking hell is that my good fitted sheet?
Get it off the fucking concrete Ned ya cunt,
Oh fuck me, is that girl dead?"
"Pam you were warned, To stay the fuck out of my cool man cave when I am having a meeting.
Oi Bruce strap her in.
Righto lads get in line. Let's show this drunk nosey bitch how we operate. Bill do you have anything left?"
"Just a little residue in my forey"
"Just paint what you can on her forehead please. I need all you blokes to dig deep"
One by one they puff little loads on her face.
"Wait for my call...now!"
As Ned's jizz hits her lips, Bruce stomps her head into a pulp.
Poor Ned's bawling his eyes out.
"Farewell my love".
Ned steals one final kiss, tonguing bone, blood and semen.
"Wrap 'em up boys the footy's 'bout to start.
Put these cunts in the same fucking grave!".


3. HE WOULDN'T HURT A FLY

Huey Davies sure is harmless

Sure he's still a little wobbly
But he wouldn't hurt a fly they would say
All the ladies at the Colac IGA
Like to treat him with a free slice of Don strasburg

You can see him on the weekends
Drunk as fuck and shadowboxing on his front deck
Either dressed as Batman or some fucking super hero
Twelve Red Bear cans stuffed
Into his original Jurassic Park bag
He's proudly owned since 1993

Spotting his neighbour get our of her car
So Huey crosses the road
"G'day Jenny Roberts!
Do you wanna come and have a drink at my place?
We could play Connect 4, that would be so fun"
"Sure"
"Please sit down at the dining table"

Huey shows Jenny his Milton Bradley board game collection
Jenny playfully touches his arm while they play Connect Four
Huey gets the wrong idea and tries to kiss her
"I'm sorry I have to go home"
"Let's watch the Notebook
Get back here now Jenny Roberts"
Heee yaa!

A velociraptor backpack that is weighted with cans
Instantly kills her as he hits her over the head
He touches her genitals
Huey goes to the jail now


4. DENDROPHILIA

It’s sunny, a beautiful day to be outdoors. Stacy grabs a whopper meal and heads to the park.

Russel’s enjoying the sun when he spots her. She’s a cutie with a bulging muffin top.

Flame grilled burger demolished in seconds, “Oh you chubby little bastard.” “Russel’s caught red handed checking her out.

She walks over. “Hi do you come here often?”, “Almost every day”

“You don’t say? I’m always here. I just love the outdoors.”

“Oh you fucking cock heads, where the fuck’s me onion rings? Fucking cunts are useless.

They gave me chips instead the dead cunts, they’re the shittiest chips of all the fast food giants. Hi I’m Stacy.”

Later that night Stacy fingers her bumhole and clitoris dreaming ‘bout Russel. Praying that she’ll see the handsome bugger at lunch.

The...next day she sees him there “Fuck he’s a big spunk.” She gets the courage to invite him for a drink.

“I would love to. What time do you knock off?” “Ah fuck work, I’ll go and grab us a sixer right now, be back in a tick.”

“Fuck yeah, woodstocks, can you please tip that shit on my roots?” They start to kiss, Stacy nudes up, rolls a dinger onto a snapped branch, bucking hard against the tree while smashing onion rings, “Oh my god I’m cumming, oh fuck...yes...yes!”

“Cheers for that, Ta.”


5. HISS YOUR EGGS OUT

Hiss your eggs out, Hiss your eggs out, all the singles ladies come on hiss your eggs out.

Hiss your eggs out, Hiss your eggs out, just fucking hiss ‘em! Hiss your eggs out, Hiss your eggs out!

All the single ladies come on hiss your eggs out, hiss your eggs out.

All the single ladies come on hiss your eggs out, in a galaxy far, far away,

The fuckers look like us but fuck heaps differently. Times are tough on this planet. Women are desperate.

The ratio is on bloke to every 10 sheilas. Television networks exploit them.

In a bid to snag a man, they resort to a game show. Hiss Your Eggs Out, is the top rating dating programme.

Three contestants single file, underpants removed, hitching up their shirts they walk slowly to the kids wading pool.

Twenty men revealed by a turn table. Most of them are pretty hot except for one guy. All the women fear the booby prize.

Wayne is 42 and lives with his mother. Contestant No. 1 cocks her leg over the steel frame,

All the fellas just grin and leer as she frigs herself and eggs spray out of her. Then the other two take turns.

Wayne is so hard right now. The eggs are stirred slowly with a stick to make the competition fair.

The guys beat off onto the glistening pile of eggs. A scientist grabs the pool and drags it out the back.

The host has some great news. Two women are mums to be.

Contestant number 3 has bred with a hot successful guy. Poor contestant number 1 got Wayne.

The contract states by law they must wed. Wayne gets the pool out every night, always using protection by putting glad wrap over the pile of eggs before he cums.

The last thing he wants is more bloody kids.


6. MY STRANGE ADDICTION

Scabs, festi sores and rashes all over his mouth. The terminus is where he wets his whistle.

This silly bloke is addicted to swigging on other people’s piss. “I’ll grab a pot of Carlton please”.

The barman discretely vomits in his mouth a little. Skolls down his pot then skips to the dunnys. Opens the door to see if the coast is clear.

Instantly he smells the urinal. Dollar signs in his eyes as he approaches it. The drain is half blocked with bits of chewy.

There’s massive lugys floating in the urine. “”Yes!” he scoops up a pot of his favourite drink.

Hiding in the shitter as the local barflies stagger in. Slowly sipping, smiling heaps, starts to whisper to the fluids.

“You have such a bitter tang, the one that I desire, I heart you”.

In the dunny for an hour popping out for the odd refill. He’s lucky enough to scoop up some blood on one run

After one month of this behaviour, his mouth looks disgusting. He is finding it hard to go out in public i this stage.

He tries to grow an awesome beard, it’s patchy and fill of puss,

He looks fucking revolting. For someone that hasn’t had a root for a decade, he has pretty much every STI that is known to man,

Hepatitis A-Z, cunts skin has yellowed so much he looks like a Simpson


7. GYM JUNKIE

“Ugh”.

He shuffles back to the couch. Postie came but no package arrived today. Mrs Doubtfire DVD on repeat.

Pineapple Tarax bottles everywhere. The dumb prick thinks it’s gonna make his cum taste sweet.

Sure, we’ve all heard that pineapple juice can...but fuck. Seriously? Flavoured soft drink?

Weeks of semen stored in some Tupperware in his bedside drawer. It tastes more like rotten onions than the sweetness he had hoped for.

He’s in a rough state, been on the good gear for too long. Skinny as all fuck, clapped out jinkie.

The postie drops off a large parcel. It has come from Hollywood.

A realistic old lady mask with a pair of saggy tits.

He pretty much looks like a frail old woman without the mask anyway but this idea should get him into the women’s only gym.

“How are you Mrs. James?” “I’m well”.

His disguise fooled them all. He heads to the change rooms.

“This squeezy bottle holds the high protein secret ingredient” he whispers.

Hiding his GoPro under a towel as he goes through everyone’s bags.

Pulling out their protein shakes and their Powerades giving them a good dollop of his onion juice, A good shake up “Good to go”.

The floral dress hides his boner well as he makes his way to the car park.

He got a good 40 minutes of randoms drinking his special sports drinks. He rolls the tape while he has a pull.

“Oh you fucking love it! Neck that shit! Go you good thing”.

He sells his GoPro and latex mask to by drugs.


8. HAIR, FAT AND BABY WIPES

Chelsea West London “Oh my word love”.

“What is it Pete my dear?”

“Come here and have a fucking look at this thing on the TV that’s blocked the sewer.

It is all the ‘Wet Ones’ we’ve been using to get the yellow off our anuses, mixed in with fat and oil tipped down the sink”.

You see, this gorgeous couple love to have their special cuddles on filth. The filthier it is, the wetter she gets.

They have done it in a slaughterhouse and a pig sty before and that time at the shit farm.

Fuck did they get crook, spent a week in hospital farm from a nasty E.Coli bacterial infection. Pete’s wife nearly died.

They run down the street giggling like schoolgirls.

Pete lifts the manhole cover, they climb in and start wading downstream.

They embrace each other when they the massive pile of quivering filth.

It smells like a fish and chip shop mixed with shit tonnes of faeces.

Stripping off his clothes, climbing the brick wall onto a ledge,

He does a mad horsey into the fatberg. “Come here my love”.

Using a baby wipe covered in grease to lube up his wife’s date as she enters her.

“Oh god yes, this is so hot. Fuck this place is so putrid that it’s good. I’m coming”.

Pulling out and shooting a load on a wipe covered in matted hair,

His wife swoops in and lick the ‘Wet One’ clean while Pete growls her giney out.

Security guards, spot them with their torches.

“Fuck off you lot!”


9. JACKHAMMER SKULLFUCK

Discreet rear entry down at the local Club X store,

He wanders in and browses the DVD’s.

“This is an absolute rip off mate!

How in the fuck do you cunts sleep at night?”

“Sorry? Can I help you there sir?”

“I could make a DVD for next to fuck all.

I won a handy cam on eBay, got it for 33 bucks.

Anyway do you have any huge dildo’s on for sale?

I don’t want to pay a heap as I am only gonna fuck it!”

Looking for a laugh from the other ashamed shoppers, no one gives him one.

“Honey I’m home from work, I’ve got a surprise for ya.

Where are you? I see you. You’re hiding under the stair case”.

A massive rubber cock wobbles out of the plastic bag. “See!

I’ll set the camera up, get on the bed now.

The dildo is stuffed onto a jackhammer’s chisel.

The hostage gives the tool a gobby.

“That’s it sweetie suck it slowly”.

Jackhammer on full noise, rapidly busting through the base of the skull,

“Smile for the camera princess”.


10. NEVER TEAR US APART

Kate's been cheating on her husband
With some cunt from work
Ben can see through her lies
And knows that something's not right
She always smells of cool water
And has a headache every damn night
Ben has had a gut full

Private investigators are hired to help
Quickly they discover that his missus is unfaithful
Ben organizes a romantic evening for three

Katey poo you're home!
I have a present waiting I know you'll love it
Covering her eyes he leads her into their dingy basement
Kate's lover is cut in half
Alive but barely conscious
"Fucking hell, what have you done?"
"Babe I don't care about this guy I shit you not
You're the only one that I love"

You slut
An injection stabbed into her neck quickly sorts her out
When she comes to she is an amputee
Ben has been kind enough to give her new legs
"Why the fuck did you cheat on me
Is it because I'm a male fucking nurse
Well guess who's a fucking surgeon now?"
He lubes up old mates knob with vas

Inch by inch he slips into his dead arse
While he kisses and plays with his wife's tits
Lover boy is force fed his own cock
Mouth taped shut so he can't spit it out
Hello dickhead
They drift in and out of consciousness
Stuff he stole from work keeps them alive
While he rogers them

Was our love ever real?
Or were you always trawling for cock?
Answer me!

The scalpel cuts Kate's throat deep
See what you made me do mate?
He lunges at the torso
And wallops the fucking shit out of the prick