1. ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS

Shocked and startled by some peculiar twist of fate
Don't know how it happened, but I'm punching above my weight
I'm pinching myself, you're nothing like the girls I usually get
Everyone assumes I bought you off the internet

All the pretty girls like me for who I am
All the pretty girls when the record goes platinum
Plenty of action, massive attraction when you're selling out stadiums
All the pretty girls and their mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mums

Look mama, I'm dancing with the purtiest girl on the floor
Everybody wonders what she wants to be with me for
Girls in my orbit, I've got my own gravitational pull
Flashing my pinewood smile like a red rag to a bull

All the pretty girls like me for who I am
All the pretty girls when the record goes platinum
Plenty of action, massive attraction when you're selling out stadiums
All the pretty girls and their mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mums

All the pretty girls like me for who I am
All the pretty girls when the record goes platinum
Plenty of action, massive attraction when you're selling out stadiums
All the pretty girls and their mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mums

Pretty, pretty girls
And their mo-mo-mo-mo-mommies
Pretty, pretty girls
And their mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mums


2. BUCCANEERS OF HISPANIOLA

At the sight of me, the Spaniards must be seasick to the molar
Plunder treasure galleons off the shores of Hispaniola
And if a ship done caught my eye
I went ahead and stole her

L'Ollonnais, Chevalier; everybody fears
They roasted men like manatees and washed them down with tears
I am the cruelest of all buccaneers

Lily-livered land lubbers, I put them to the cutlass
The greatest seafarers of lore wish they stayed ashore
And studied the atlas

We are the buccaneers of Hispaniola!
Buccaneers of Hispaniola!

Tighten up that woollen rope 'til your eye pops out of its socket
Hang you upside-down and take whatever comes out of your pocket
Slice you nice and thin so you'll fit in
Your widow's locket

I took on the bravest of the brave and gutted them gutless
My one man relentless pursuit of booty and loot
Put the Caribbean on the atlas

We are the buccaneers of Hispaniola!
Buccaneers of Hispaniola!

Bucc, bucc, bucc-bucc, bucc-bucc-buccaneers!
Bucc, bucc, bucc-bucc, bucc-bucc-buccaneers!
Bucc, bucc, bucc-bucc, bucc-bucc-buccaneers!
Bucc, bucc, bucc-bucc, bucc-bucc-buccaneers!


3. SOLID GOLD

We're gonna blow people's fucking heads off
Ooh, they're gonna shit themselves
Crying out for more, caution, wet floor
This one's going out to the fans
Hell bent for denim and leather
Notoriety and wealth
after the show I think we both know
This fist ain't gonna bump itself

We are legends
With the power that you can't deny
We're immortal
'Cause these songs will never die

And we're never gonna stop
Shitting out solid gold
And we're never gonna stop
Shitting out solid gold

There's a guy coming down from Sony
Artist and repertoire
If he likes what he hears in those stupid ears
I'll buy myself a faster car
He's blowing smoke up our asses
Everything we do is ace
He wants to wine and dine us, desperate to sign us
'Cause we melted his fuckin' face

We are legends
With the power that you can't deny
We're immortal
'Cause these songs will never die

And we're never gonna stop
Shitting out solid gold
And we're never gonna stop
Shitting out solid gold

Stone cold foxes screaming in the front row
Sacred promise of fellatio
Soul, it can be sold
Lo and behold
Behold!

And we're never gonna stop
Shitting out solid gold
And we're never gonna stop
Shitting out solid gold

And we're never gonna stop
Shitting out solid gold
And we're never gonna stop
Shitting out solid gold
Yeah!


4. SOUTHERN TRAINS

Air-con set to sub-arctic
If it moves it isn't quick
Major delays, cancellations
Tedious conversation
Trying to eat your dinner with an ass in your face
It's a disgrace

It's a journey into pure despair
There are fucking assholes everywhere
I can smell piss and shit in the air
Fuck you, southern trains
We're not getting anywhere

Journey into pure despair
I just wanna get somewhere
Throw away the itinerary
The whole rat race in one place, stationary
On your marks, get set, stop
Southern trains are top (uhh)

It's a journey into pure despair
There are fucking assholes everywhere
I can smell piss and shit in the air
Fuck you, southern trains
We're not getting anywhere

Them southern trains
Choo-choo!
Boo-hoo!
Yeah!
Them southern trains
Choo-choo!
Boo-hoo!

Heaving carriages of indignation
Grown men weeping in pure frustration
Totally packed and always late
Into the tunnel of hate

It's a journey into pure despair
(Got me on the rails)
There are fucking assholes everywhere
(It's a steam age nightmare)
I can smell piss and shit in the air
(Slower than snails)
Fuck you, southern trains
We're not getting anywhere


5. WHY DON’T THE BEAUTIFUL CRY?

Pretty woman blubbing away
Your features all contorted in despair
Mascara running, been crying all day
But deep down your delighted, it's unfair

'Cause you've got delicious eyes

Why don't the beautiful cry?
It's only in the movies
It's never in real life
Why don't the beautiful cry?
I wish I wasn't ugly
On the inside

I see you looking for something to do
To satisfy some superficial need
To make the world fake, somebody who
Has the heart that might actually believe

Well you told yourself a lie

Why don't the beautiful cry?
It's only in the movies
It's never in real life
Why don't the beautiful cry?
I wish I wasn't ugly
On outside
But I am ugly, oh

We are all born, bubble and squeak
In the frying pan, the frying pan of life

Why don't the beautiful cry?
It's only in the movies
Never in real life
Why don't the beautiful cry?
Even if you want to
Buck 'em in the eye
But I am ugly
Yes, I am


6. JAPANESE PRISONER OF LOVE

Japanese prisoner of love
Leering at me from the bunk above
The seventh circle of hell, right here in my cell
Did you forget you are a prisoner, as well?
Sensual deprivations
Human rights violations
Enough is enough, when shiv comes to shove
Japanese prisoner of love

I used to sleep in a comfortable bed with luxurious sheets
I used to sit on a toilet, with a seat

All the other jailbirds on E wing
Cry when I sing
Japanese prisoner of love

Sentenced and sent to the big house
Jumpsuited, shaven and de-loused
Solitarily confined, taken by force from behind
By a surly white supremacist named Klaus

I used to think that my life is so sweet, but it's sour
Oh, I used to be alone in the shower

All the other jailbirds on E wing
Cry when I sing
Japanese prisoner of love

All the other jailbirds on E wing
Cry when I sing
Japanese prisoner of love

Japanese prisoner of love


7. LAY DOWN WITH ME, BARBARA

Leaves are rustling
Rustling in the sultry evening breeze
I don't wear pyjamas
Trust me darling, you don't need that chemise
I know it's hard to love a man like me
But you do so with the greatest of ease

We created tender love from scratch
Don't you think it's time we made another batch?

Oh, lay down with me, Barbara
Underneath the candelabra
Oh, lay down with me, Barbara
Or I will die
I will surely die

Who needs moonlight?
Moonlight's rubbish anyway, my dear
When the clouds obscure it
I'll look upon you 'neath the chandelier
Let us not waste a precious moment blindly
Fumbling with the clasp of your brassiere

We created tender love from scratch
Don't you think it's time we made another batch?

Oh, lay down with me, Barbara
Underneath the candelabra
Oh, lay down with me, Barbara
Or I will die
I will surely die

Oh, lay down with me, Barbara
Underneath the candelabra
Oh, lay down with me, Barbara
Or I will die
I will surely die
Surely die

Just bury me, Barbara
Bury me in a coffin full of money
And I'll love you throughout the afterlife
I love you girl


8. I WISH I WAS IN HEAVEN

Life as we know it ain't what it was
This isn't living, I know this because
I lived like a champion, the envy of me
I only live vicariously

A moment in the sun and a lifetime in the shade
A year full of glory and an empty decade
Came out for an encore but nobody stayed

I wish I was in heaven
'Cause there is nothing left for me on Earth
I wish I was in heaven
With you, with you
'Cause there is nothing left for me on Earth

Life has it's moments, sadly too few
Glimpses of beauty slide out of view
Good times are over, vanished en masse
Give me the number for dignitas

I live with the choices I shouldn't have made
The taste of euphoria continues to fade
The end is beginning but I'm not afraid

I wish I was in heaven
'Cause there is nothing left for me on Earth
I wish I was in heaven
With you, with you
'Cause there is nothing left for me on Earth

I wish I was in heaven
'Cause there is nothing left for me on Earth
I wish I was in heaven
With you, with you


9. HAPPINESS

This is the best summer ever
We're so gonna make love tonight
Alone on the beach here together
Holding each other so tight
And I said
This is my heart
No-one ever broke it
Don't worry about my ego
You don't have to stroke it
Repeat after me
I love you
(I love you)
You said it

Happiness
Happiness
It's the best summer ever, ooh

I went for a dip in the ocean
And shook the sand out of my locks
You got me feeling emotions
Let us make love on the rocks
The sun was setting
In the west
I was in my Speedos
You were fully dressed
Do you really love me? (I love you)
That was a test
And you passed

Happiness
Happiness
It's the best summer ever, ooh

Happiness
Ooh
Again, again and again
Whoo!

Happiness
Happiness
It's the best summer ever, ooh

Happiness
Happiness
It's the best summer ever, ooh


10. STAMPEDE OF LOVE

You walked in and the ground shook
I can't believe how much food you took
You looked at me with those hungry eyes
You were eyeing up my fries
To the naked eye you're a perfect sphere
Stomach bulging out to here
I don't know if my heart can last
I ain't ever had a love this vast

Feeding time
You take more than you need
Feeding time
Prepare for the stampede of love

You're overweight, beautiful as well
You wear your house like a tortoise shell
I can't wait to see you again
We'll have to hire in a crane
I saw you on the beach today
You looked quite thin but you were just far away

Feeding time
You take more than you need
Feeding time
Prepare for the stampede of love

When two planets collide
We will never divide
Stampede of love

Across the sand on a donkey ride
Great fun 'til the donkey died