1. SILENTIUM

Swimming through floods of tears,
Rays of anguish pounding me.
My will to live diminishes with each wave of affliction
That breaks my weakened existence.
It bothers me to know that I have been here before.
I assured myself that I'd never return to this solitary site,
Believing I was rescued once and for all.
I thought it was a lesson I could learn,
But somehow I'm back here,
At the reunion of repressed memories,
Caught in the vicious circle of self-oppression,
Anxiety, fear, and uncontrollable thoughts.

The cold water numbs my limbs; I'm losing focus again,
Trying desperately to remember the details of my last rescue,
Clinging to the hope of finding the safe rocks again.
The light from the lighthouse flickers once more,
And dies as the demons of death are closing in.

Overrating my capacities, denying the weakness of my flesh,
I tried too hard and fell, slipped down the slippery cold rocks,
And now I'm back into the relentless sea.

Lies are caging me;
Hatred, bitterness, and self pity.
Why this injustice ?
Or am I too blind to see the outcome of my actions ?

I hate me for not trusting You.
I hate that I let them get to me.
Why do I have to be here at all ?
You are my Lord regardless of my feelings;
Rescue my again;
Pull me up, and let me dry.
Place my feet on the rock, and let me see the
Sunshine once more.


2. FEAR OF BEING FOREVER LOST

Time has come for renewal.
I urgently long for an altered situation.
Only chained to my solitude
There is serenity in my insecurity.
A fatal stillness in silence after the abuse,
Long enough have I rested in the dark,
Silently cried out all pain,
Reached out my had for kindness
But dreading rejection.

Was I reaching for false hopes ?
Was I waiting for human goodness
Although all I had seen was human wickedness ?
Was I closing the door for approval ?

I hid in the fear of being lost forever
And chose to slowly fade .
I swam toward the bottom of my sea fo self pit,
Filled my lungs with deadly water from my past.
I swam deeper when someone tried to pull me up,
Sacrifice myself in fear of drowning the one who cared.
I longed for an altered situation
But human kindness i feared the most
I expected even more wickedness

God I know that You were always there.
Only Your thoughtfulness kept me alive
During my darkest hours.

Was I reaching for false hopes ?
Was I waiting for human goodness
Athough all I had seen was human wickedness ?
Was I closing the door for approval ?

Sometime I wish You would have let me die.
Still I knew, that You offer life in abundance
But I search for the indemnification that can come only from the who inflicted shame on me.


3. IN THE MIDST OF THE MORBID DARKNESS

In the midst of this morbid darkness,
Where galling spirits roam,
A flickering ray of hope bears witness
Of the thoroughly transforming Light.
Discover the light, freedom, light and peace!

The darkness has been tangible for so long.
Enclosed by fear of leaving the safe and known.
What is to be found ?

As he turns his face, light strikes, a warm bath of love,
The Love of the Father.
Surrounded by fear caused by the friction
Of contaminated feet impressions of demons
Who have infected and enticed my past.
Is there healing for this victimized soul ?

Come out of the darkness !
Come to Jesus !
Discover the light, freedom, life, and peace !
Be released from the cumbersome chains !

In my heart believing that the Father raised Him from the dead,
Your crystal water runs through my soul,
Cleanses, restores, delivers.

See, I will do everything new.
Born again, the filth is gone.
The darkness is gone.
Life embraces me in light,
A will to live fills my spirit
Despite my past enslavement.
I was born here to make a difference.


4. AD INFINITUM

(Instrumental)