1. PROGNOSIS NEGATIVE

Safe sex is like weak drugs. Not cool guy. Some go on forever others abruptly end. "I'll never put on a life jacket again."


2. PYRAMID SCHEME / FRIDAY THE 13TH (PT. 2)

Job interview 9 am. You think it's cute? It makes me sick.Comb my hair, take out my nostril ring. Here's my resume. How you like my cover letter? This lady in the waiting room smells like salt and fucking cigarettes. "You think you have what it takes to be a part of this company? come right in we want to talk to you. I'm just gonna have you fill out this questionnaire, go 3 doors down, and watch a short hour and 45 minute presentation." I knew the second I saw you walk into the room with that cheap fucking suit and your shit eating salesman grin. Next unemployment check I'm buying a gun.
It's time for company downsizing. Gonna need all the employees to report promptly to the front lobby. I know I've been on sabbatical, but I will be taking on a new position of active shooter. Please bare with me, this is an entry level massacre. No jobs, just bullets. The dumbest fucks were one Family Fued the other day and it reminded me of you. I've got no money for drugs, nothing to do but think about killing you. Executed by the unemployable. I just wanted you to know how much I love being in my early 30's and paying for fast food with change. I just wanted you to know how much I love returning bottles to put gas in my car and how much I love borrowing money


3. WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU SICK

Pull over man, there's fucking spiders in my shoes ! It comes in waves that I can explain but I can't stop 'em for the life of me. It's an SSRI disease. I snorted ketamine, I thought it was blow. now I'm in a hole. It's an SSRI disease. Sobering. I'm sobering up and it fucking smarts.


4. TRUE PATRIOT

Uneducated, overfed, and armed to the teeth. If you ain't part of the solution you're a dumb asshole, Jethro. What are you so fucking afraid of? Maybe you should worry about something that'll actually effect you like heart disease or high cholesterol, or how it's illegal for you to marry your sister or brother. Billy Bob's mad, he feels marginalized by a progressive society, but no one's trying to start a race war but you, in your garage listening to 5 Finger Death Punch. Is pure another word for inbred? Please tell me I want to know. Seriously though, I don't know who's more of a sick fuck; You for thinking Sandy Hook was a hoax, or me for hoping it happens to you and your family, so that I can post some bullshit articles about it anytime I feel like I can use a little attention.


5. SUICIDE JEANS

I was so bored the other day I wanted to die. So I grabbed my notebook and I bought a bottle of Evan Williams. I headed downtown to the train tracks. I wrote a suicide note, it was hella dark. But I just wasn't feeling it, so I didn't do it. Suicide is like a runner's up prize. It's like a bronze medal, then you're just so much grief porn. Your pages stuck together with no one to pull them back apart. It's like suicide could make the afternoon fly by quicker. I think my funeral would be pretty cool, I'd probably have a lot of friends there. But then I'd be dead and I'd be bored all over again. I'm bored.


6. GO SCRATCH

Why's a party like a sharps container? Shaking hands, making friends. Something Something about passing judgement and only seeing the best in people. I guess I just missed school that day. Hell is other people using your bathroom. There's a special place in hell for people that corner me at bars and talk my ear off about their stupid fucking band. I might hate myself, but you, you're worse.