1. THE HOLLOW ACHE

Alone
Within my thoughts
Reflecting
On all I've said and done
Never once
Have I felt satisfied
Never again
Will I even try

Anger, frustration
Emotions flare and seethe
Hands are shaking, filled with rage
Betrayal from loved ones
Real or fiction wound the same
These feelings and this thinking
Though unwarranted, undeserved
Lead to a place familiar
Back to my well of pain

As the initial shock of the pain fades away
These cuts, these punctures, these bruises
Dissolve to a hollow ache

And the cycle continues
The finger's pointed but the blame remains
Digging deeper within me just causes the world itself to fade

Colors draining
My eyes go cold and gray
As I withdraw within
The ground beneath me starts to sink
As I am moving forward
Led deep into the garden
Led to a place familiar
Back to my well of pain

I know this place and why I'm here
All too well, guilt and shame
The center of the issues at hand
The center and the source of my hollow ache

And self pity, it beckons
Despite all I do it won't shake away
The more that I rationalize these thoughts the more they seem to inflame
And the cycle continues
The finger's pointed but the blame remains
Digging deeper within me just causes the world itself to fade

The cycle of dwelling
It repeats, it replays
My hatred of my own mind
Upcycles and unravels
Self hatred and self loathing
Have become second nature
I'm learning to accept now
That this is good for no one

Break wide open
Resolve to rid those who've been inflicted with me
Of this plague out of shame

And self pity, it beckons
Despite all I do it won't shake away
The more I rationalize these thoughts the more they seem to inflame
And the cycle continues
The finger's pointed but the blame remains
Digging deeper within me just causes the world itself to fade

And the world opened up
And I gazed into blackness
And I looked all around me
And saw nothing but gray
I looked into myself
And found I matched the darkness
With not another thought
I dove into my well of pain


2. JOIN THE DEAD

Falling head over heels in pain
Wondering what could have led to this mistake

Black washes over me
I cannot see, this cannot be
Yet I know what I have done
Can't take this back, I am to blame
No, this was not my fault
What of my friends or family?
What’d they do to deserve this
Neglected me, felt only a passive love for me

I refuse to believe
This so called life was not
Just passing time until the end
Choose based on others' choices
Live based on others' morals
Failure to follow suit
Leads only to painful punishment
I chose instead to join the dead

I hear them calling me
I won't be fooled, they never cared
Never
Ignore the plethora of
Sweet nothings and hollow offers
Quiet
Respond with catatonic
Blank stares, false smiles
Fall
Become enraptured with
This endless void I've now joined
Keep falling until timeless sleep

I refuse to believe
This so called life was not
Just passing time until the end
Choose based on others' choices
Live based on others' morals
Failure to follow suit
Leads only to painful punishment
I chose instead to join the dead

As I continue
To fall into the black
I'm so surprised
To find I haven't died
A glance overhead
Reveals a far off light
I now suspect
This may not be the end

Flung into the void
Must I now sow what I've reaped?
Am I now fated to fall forevermore?
Is this the end or the beginning?
Tumbling again and again and again
Hurtling towards an unknown destination

Crash landing, terra firma
Breathing dark air, seeing Nothing
Hearing harsh screaming
Of unknown and yet close origin
Breathless and broken
Blameless and beaten
Loss of consciousness
Tunneling vision
Red pain and choked tears
Freed now at last
Like so many fallen stars
Forgotten once moments passed
This shambling withered husk
Joins the dead

As I no longer
Fall into the black
This lifeless body
Rests on the hard cold earth
It finds no comfort
In such a dreamless sleep
Laying in gentle repose
As all the others weep

I refuse to believe
This so called life was not
Just passing time until the end
Choose based on others' choices
Live based on others' morals
Failure to follow suit
Leads only to painful punishment
I chose instead to join the dead


3. HUNTED

Awakened bewildered
Beneath a blackened calloused sky
A single star glistens
As cold creeps in as icy knives

With a flash of intuition
Feeling something, a dark presence
Neck hairs standing, lungs constricting
Suddenly my will to live is engaged

Festering, this sickness
Corrupting, consciousness
Deep within this darkness
Is unrelenting shame
On the run, avoidance
But getting nowhere, evasion
The guilt within my soul takes shape

Shadows casted on distant walls
Torches flicker, playing tricks
This unmarked road gives no comfort
But it's all that's left

This cavern echoing
Alone but not for long
My heartbeat, it quickens
With the urge run

Slithering black tendrils
Coiling, such hatred
Deep within this darkness
Is unrelenting shame
On the run, avoidance
But getting nowhere, evasion
The guilt within takes shape and births regret

Growling, howling, threatening me
Feral beasts sent to punish me

I feel them chasing now, nipping at my heels
Regret looms closer now, thoughts of forfeited safety
The mountains made from hills, the perception of repressions
Don't seem so awful now


4. THE ACCUSER

Exhaustion racks this corpse
There is nothing left to give
The legs begin to give out
And the pursuers grow closer

Black hands reach from shadows
Seeking to gain purchase
Weakly swatting them away
Losing the will to live

The footsteps patient and measured
Come with confidence
Like buzzards above the doomed
Waiting for easy prey

Afforded only withering motivation
Out of reserves, resolve completely drained
Concede, surrender
Falling to take the knee
Giving up, giving in
Attrition is attained

Running seems hopeless
And I've already tried to die once
Disregard for bodily pain
Disregard for bodily form

The dark coils come into sight
The shape moves effortlessly
The air chills as the wind picks up
The mind conjures images of death

The shame, this avoidable failure
Worthy of nothing but misery and pain
The tortures forthcoming deserved
Sought for, considered, and paid for in full
Yet still, in spite of beliefs to the contrary
This still just doesn't seem fair
Willing to accept the blame
But unwilling to accept what it means

Laid down, tired, thirsty and starved
Between dying flames
Surrender is finalized
Face down in the dirt
With only enough energy to curl up and die

Did you really think it would be so easy?
Did you really think you could get away?
Did you really think that no one would notice?
Did you really think there was a simple escape?
Black tendrils snake their way out
And work to ensnare every limb
Their touch so cold it burns
And accusations then begin

Ungrateful, unloving
Unwilling to reciprocate
Unaware of your luck
Un-knowing, unstriving
Unable to put forth the work
Self-involved, egotistic
Unthinking of those who love you
At the heart of the earth
The victim, the martyr
Unable to suffer in silence

Begging, pleading, as darkness creeps over this lifeless, colorless, worthless cadaver
The paradox of self-imposing the judgement while not wanting the sentence is perfectly clear

A blank face with familiar features hangs over inverted and scowls disapprovingly
The tendrils, they writhe and climb and support the white mask as it repeats

Ungrateful, unloving
Unwilling to reciprocate
Unaware of your luck
Un-knowing, unstriving
Unable to put forth the work
Self-involved, egotistic
Unthinking of those who love you
At the heart of the earth
The victim, the martyr
Unable to suffer in silence

Exhaustion racks this corpse
There is nothing left to give
The eyes begin to close
As the accusations echo

The shame, this avoidable failure
Worthy of nothing but misery and pain
The tortures forthcoming deserved
Sought for, considered, and paid for in full
Yet still, in spite of beliefs to the contrary
This still just doesn't seem fair
Willing to accept the blame
Unwilling to accept what it means


5. THE PLEA

Awakening again
Skin is cold and wet, covered in writhing tendrils

No idea how long it's been
Passed out long ago, was dragged
Echoes of those past transgressions
The accuser leads the way

The fool
He thinks he can just step away?
The judgement will come, the axe will fall
This sinner
He thinks he can shrug off the blame?
His head will roll, his head must roll

Thrown to hands and knees
The tendrils recede, and before the accused
A great big mass of orphaned limbs
Shudders and squirms

Cold gray rotten flesh
Builds a shaky and pallid foundation
Corrupted arms produce a face
Lifted high in exaltation

Panicked fear races through the accused
Silence only broken by hideous squelching
A hundred legs, a thousand arms
Play together in a foul symphony

The fool
He thinks he can just step away?
The judgement will come, the axe will fall
This sinner
He thinks he can shrug off the blame?
His head will roll, his head must roll

I know this place and why I'm here
The center and the source of this hollow ache

The trial is set to begin
The judge, accuser, and the accused
No question of guilt, no proof required
Just a sentence
Let it show
He was given all and loved none
Let it show
He deserves this pain

What are the crimes?
What are we to judge?
This poor thing, this lost soul?
We'll not punish it further
Has it not endured this?
It came to join us here
What are we to judge?
Suicide, a lost cause
Instead we'll choose nurse it
Can it not learn from this and become improved?

Hello young one, what brings you here?
Are you in pain? What do you need?
What did you hope to do here?
What would you have us do with you?

With all that has transpired above this cold, dark world
The only thing required, the one thing that is wished for
Is to feel nothing now
To be relinquished from this pathetic form
And to no longer endure

And are you sure?
Do you know what you ask?
To feel nothing at all?
To cease to exist?

Truncated limbs swirl in a grotesque ballet
This empty face looks on without blame
And slithers closer as countless snakes

Nothing ever seemed so sweet
As the thought of not existing
To no more think or feel
Or to dwell here any longer
To exist out of time
And never be a bother
To return to the dust
And feel annihilation

This we can do for you
We can take you from here
We can take all that’s left
And throw it away as you have

The arms reach out
And grab these barren remains
Rotten hands rip open the jaw and crack the bones
Thick black fluid flows from dancing fingertips
Down an unwilling throat and fills the void with rot


6. DREAMLESS SLEEP

(Instrumental)


7. BLOOD FOR BLOOD

A breath of air for the first time in years interrupted by tiresome awareness
Dreamless sleep in a murky vacuum cut short as an unfulfilled promise

Back on this path?
What the hell has happened here?
Was finally dead
How much left of this torture

Morose, cold, and alone
Feel just like home
Promised deliverance annulled
Liars everywhere
Darkness shattered by light
In the distance a comforting sight
Watching the lands in which I've grown
Become familiar yet wrong

Betrayed again
What of the silence?

Laid out bare like a greyscale memory of all that was left, all that was loathed
Loved ones mill about aimlessly as a white sun crests

Marionettes of those tried who tried to help
Drifting along as the damned
Ignoring every move, every action
Eerie reflections of the past

Morose, cold, and alone
Feel just like home
Promised deliverance annulled
Liars everywhere
Darkness shattered by light
In the distance a comforting sight
Watching the lands in which I've grown
Become familiar yet wrong

Eye for an eye
This once known place is now just a shallow reflection
Pain for pain
Features distorted in light but the treatments the same
Life for a life
Anger replaces despair as the grey turns to red
Blood for blood
Will no longer be ignored, will not accept scorn

Faceless on approach
Reactionless

Look upon this, this is pain
Externalizing all this hate
Drag to ground, scratch and bite
Stomp on the neck and grind it down
What a surprise, still ignored?
No expression? No repercussions?
Continue on as if nothing happened?
But the blood still stains these hands

Eye for an eye
Over and over again they're attacked with no recompense
Pain for pain
Efforts continue ignored as the rage subsides thirst begins
Blood for blood
Wander off now, find the well it's filled red with a note that reads
Drink it in, feel again
Breathe it in, suck it down.

Blood for blood


8. DELIVERANCE FOR THE DAMNED

A world of color returns
Feeling of warmth renewed
Senses return to what they once were prior to
Joining the dead here in this place
Start to remember something other than pain

Euphoria calls
Go down to ascend
Medicated bliss
Rapture is achieved

And just maybe the answer is not
To wait for help but go and find it
This introduction to madness seems to have cured
And filled the hollow space within me

I've been looking for a way to
Remember who I once was
Mask the pain and overflow
Take the reins by giving in
Self-inflicted liberty
Tastes so sweet, like liquid mirth
Hold on tight or lose control
And spiral out and slip away

Drunken, drugged up, splendid ecstasy

I'm alive
For the first time in so long
Invincible, immaculate and free from everything
That dragged me down like tons of brick
A sensational new emotion to abuse

And just maybe the truth of it all
Is I chose to feel this pain within
In mania, depressed me seems a fool
As I fill this hollow space within me

I've been looking for a way to
Remember who I once was
Mask the pain and overflow
Take the reins by giving in
Self-inflicted liberty
Tastes so sweet, like liquid mirth
Hold on tight or lose control
And spiral out and slip away

Panicked, terror-stricken ecstasy
Once again lose what's me

The grip on my sanity is loosened
As the pain flows freely from my lips
And through this body until I am free

Consciousness is pulled back, now see the body from afar as it stumbles
Making the same mistake again on repeat, each time feeling better yet worse

With a sick satisfaction
I drown myself in the poison that numbs yet exacerbates
Each second that passes brings closer the nauseated comfort that I crave
Time melts
Behind me is loss, before is the same
I shake, I quiver, I fall
Behind me is loss, before is the same
I bow, I bend, I break

I am now nothing
Just a pile of firing nerves
Whose synapses flare, and only crave more
There's no solace in this fleeting break
This euphoric reprieve
No deliverance for the damned

I've been looking
I've been looking for a way to
Remember who I once was
Mask the pain and overflow
Take the reins by giving in
Self-inflicted liberty
Tastes so sweet, like liquid mirth
Hold on tight or lose control
And spiral out and slip away


9. WORTHLESS OFFERS

A familiar feeling, the brush of flesh against my own
Sounds of sobbing, weeping, of melancholy, lachrymose
Surrounded by simple offers to help, to lend an ear
These empty offerings, these hollow gestures that I loathe

But it's all the same and they whisper nothings they don't care
Look for a chance to seem a good person without effort
They don't know me
They never will know me
They don't know this pain
They don't care

I've been here before its the same old story, you want to help
What you think you think you know you will never understand, it's all over
I'm just so sick of the fiction and lies, I want to die, don't you get it?
You can't fix this, you can't even comprehend what's on my mind

One by one they disappoint with lies
They offer worthless claims of false sympathy
They all say "heal thyself or talk to me"
I say "you don't want any part of this, you don't want to take on this burden"

It can't all be the same and they're saying something, they may care
Reach out to grab that hand in the hopes they will connect
Surely buried in well intentions there must be a cure
A way to reconnect, a way to sew it up, to close the gap

This is not me, I wasn't always this way
It's a mistake, there must be a reason to live
I remember there was once a time when I took joy in living, in being loved
Somewhere along the way a split occurred between me and the rest of the world

When I open my eyes there's no change, still in hell
Faces blank and staring, grey around me, there's no comfort
And these people that I once loved and hurt
They all reach out open arms marked with wounds, self-inflicted
My eyes darting frantic with withdraw, blood runs cold
Rise to feet on weakened knees with pain and start to run
Turning round they seem to be following, and slowly trudging shouting out their worthless offerings
Must get away

Please just speak to me
Please just let me in
Please just let me help
Please let me in

Please don't leave us
I'm here for you
Please don't say that
You will be okay

We care for you
We won't let you down
We all love you
We can't let you go

I don't want to
Can't believe
Got to get out
Make it stop


10. A MONUMENT TO SILENCE

Dissociated and at arm's length is all I hope to be
Those happy faces and knowing eyes forever will haunt me
The way they look on, the way they follow, disapprovingly
Their judgement falls on these deafened ears, I've done it all before

Yes I remember (the choice)
Who I am (doubtful)
And I remember (the pain)
What drove me here
The vicious cycle (of trust)
Of anxiety
And then depression (rotting)
Living miserably

This hollow rotting that no one sees had festered far too long
And thus I made the decision to just leave it all behind

To escape feeling nothing I tried to become it myself
And what have I found except more pain? More torment?
I thought giving up life a worthy sacrifice, what else could I do?
What else could I do to try to escape and avoid this tragedy

Has death been better here in this place, or is it just the same?
A hunt, a trial, a conviction and meaningless ecstasy

Yet you can still die
This is not a death threat, oh no
This is a promise
Do you want to leave here?
Do you want a way out?
Yes, we can deliver you
Want to know how, dear?
Just drink
Do you want to leave here?
Do you want a way out?
Please, let us deliver you

And now I've returned (back home)
To dull facsimile
To worthless offers (for help)
And more lies
The more I swallowed (before)
The less I felt this way
And now I want more (drink it)
And to drown

To escape feeling nothing I tried to become it myself
And what have I found except more pain? More torment?
I thought giving up life a worthy sacrifice, what else could I do?
What else could I do to try to escape and avoid this tragedy

To see the lights go, would be such solace
To hear them all crying, a holy symphony
To know I'd never feel so hollow again
And just once to be able to sleep free from pain

Follow the leader to that old familiar place
That well of pain and hate and guilt and shame
I want to drown with an audience knowing why
I want to drown for good and to finally die

I'm over this
Don't ever assume
I wanted saving or that I wanted to live

With a crowd in tow I make my way back to the garden
There is nothing left for me to do but jump in again
That thick red fluid once gulped down looks inviting
Should I dive in or sink myself?

I know this place and why I'm here
The center and the source of this hollow ache

Standing atop and looking all around
I've never been so afraid yet so sure
Droves of the dead all reach out in shock
As I step back and fall in

And self pity, it beckons
Despite all I do it won't shake away
The more that I rationalize these thoughts the more they seem to inflame
And the cycle continues
The finger's pointed but the blame remains
Digging deeper within me just causes the world itself to fade