1. THE LONGEST DAY

I have been awake too long, I crave the nothing, but dreamless sleep is a futile hope.
No screams to break the sombre void.
I still avoid soporific bliss.
The darkness I deserve denies me peaceful hours.
My insect crawling skin tingles broken nerve.
Lights wander in my eyes, scratching blackened rings.
Will exhaustion never call silence to this abrasive mind ?
Hypersensitive delirium twists the slightest sound.
Collapsing boneless figures wait in sleeping gloom.
Dormant in subconscious mind until the heartbeat slows, to wake in dream, drag me to agitated rooms.
Sub-mechanical taunting congregation, too fucking real to me.
Colourless chuckles pulling on my fragile, senses to gather every agony to torment with on return.
I close the door on sleep to keep my demons out, but each waking hour heightens muscle strain.
Staring in no direction in restless sweating daze.
Is this god’s sick game to turn me to prayer, to beg forgiveness and release from this endless fucking day ?
Head against glass, peering down in twilight.
Fantasise face first and smile at the inviting ground.
To drift on a warm sea with the breathing dead, a self induced coma calls with it’s beautiful numb.
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!


2. BIRTHWEIGHT

The birth-weight is upon your shoulders.
Every aspiration piled on you, of the losers who spawned you.
The impossibility of others expectations, gnawing at the conditioned fear of failure.
Tied to the roots of the family tree. Born to disappoint.
Feel the same guilt.
Feel the same shame.
Feel the same spite of every fucking generation.
Why must it be like this ? It always turns to shit.
Shit sticks, birth-weight grows.
Pass the pressure to your progenies.
Erode their free will.
Instill bitterness.
Let them carry the growing burden.
Wait for them to fuck it up.
Watch them drown, they have let you down.
Broken like you, so feel superior at last.
Stronger than them, just like your father before you.
Become his image, in a strangle hold adored you.
Such loving control.
Learn to suffocate; it’s for the best.


3. VANISHING POINT

What happened? Did I begin to feel well ?
Rejuvenated prequel to greater ills.
Assessing this ambiguous situation, in lingering indignation.
I can’t look in me any longer.
Put me back where I belong.
In the darkest place, with no face, invisible.
I want to fade out of all sight.
Transgressive meanderings, unsuccessful couplings.
The death I look like, the shit I feel like.
Too much effort in words.
It's easier to hurt than to admit pain, but impassive is a hard expression to hold.
Indivisible personality, fit to burst.
It’s not my normal; I’m fucking dying in here.
Lie prostrate pondering the scurf feasting dust mites under me.
I would give my soul to know they aren’t there.
Breathe in the vanishing point.
Come to me.
Smother me.
Is it time to try again ?


4. NEMATOID

Any distraction to avoid being here would be enough.
Climb on, climb up, fall back again.
Futility has comforts of it’s own.
I have nothing now but instinct betrayal.
No fear of joy to suck me down.
Chattering inside, waiting to snap, joy holds it’s own trap.
A nematoid warning, further to fall.
The door is open, but I turn my back.
Throw myself into the trap.
I can’t beat this grip.
Hanging amuser, the barbs twist through bone.
To pull out these hooks would leave me butchered.
The substitution of stability, I take comfort in the consistency of haze.
I wish I could hate.
Encourage me; chasten me with hope.
Every few steps; spread too thin.
Reach the light, moving nowhere.
Pull the hooks, snapping in every direction.
Break my grip.
Deadweight fall.
Pick me up.
Mend my bones.
Show me the glimmer; I’ll climb again.
I have an understanding, but no explanation.
I’m tired of this.
Deaden the light.