1. GIMME THE KEYS

Squinting from blinding rays of the Sun
Deep in the heart of July
There to perform for children of corn
Whose crop stood well twelve foot high
Three knaves remained to the end of the day
We refused their vile entreats
Standing our ground we played for the ears
Between the harvester's teeth

Great Plains hardcore scenes
May not be the biggest but Lord they're mean
And though my mind has been shot to hell
The details of that night I remember well

Gravel and locust they swore to rope us
We did our best to steer straight
Trailer and hitch straight into the ditch
Praying to Jesus and the holy saints
Despite the violence, sometimes I look back
A nostalgia begins to take hold
Wisdom of sorts is found in due course
In the rows of silver and gold

Great Plains hardcore scenes
May not be the biggest but Lord they're mean
And though my mind has been shot to hell
The details of that night I remember well

Gimme the keys, they can keep the guarantee
Gimme the keys and get the hell out of Dodge

Hey man we don't got your
We don't got your SM-57
Look dude why don't you
Try some old fashioned P.M.A.?

Through bloody butchers we ran for hours
Then hours grew into years
Stalked by the fury of John Brown's eyes
And still the storm hasn't cleared
Despite the mileage sometimes I look back
A nostalgia begins to take hold
Wisdom of sorts is found of course
In rows of silver and gold

Great Plains hardcore scenes
May not be the biggest but Lord they're mean
And though my mind has been shot to hell
The details of that night I remember well

Gimme the keys, they can keep the guarantee
Gimme the keys and get the hell out of Dodge


2. SPIRIT OF '76

The Flyers beat the Reds fair and square
While up the coast some fled the Devil's lair
An heiress was into her irons thrown
While the family feuds exploded in our homes

Moon collapsed in the garden
Vikings looted the plains
Spirit of '76
We were such a tender age

The Mohican swore he would get organized
To clean the war forever from his mind
A farmer came with peanuts in his hand
Then wept a bit while waltzing to the band

Moon collapsed in the garden
Vikings looted the plains
Spirit of '76
We were such a tender age

Moon collapsed in the garden
Vikings looted the plains
Spirit of '76
We were such a tender age

Moon collapsed in the garden
Vikings looted the plains
Spirit of '76
We were such a tender age


3. BOOK OF BAD DECISIONS
One road lead to the east
Another to the west
In a fit of desperation
In the dark I sought redress

As the clouds began to gather
Oh I wailed like a newborn babe
Newborn babe
And opened the book
Of bad decisions I have made
I have made

I walked into the station
All covered in blood
The watchman came out
"You can't be here son"

So I threw down my suitcase
Oh I wailed like a newborn babe
Newborn babe
And wrote another chapter
Of bad decisions I have made
I have made

I saw ma belle
Looking lonesome in her time
I picked up her receiver
And dropped a dime

When I heard you answer
Oh I wailed like a newborn babe
Newborn babe
And read the dedication
From the book of bad decisions
I have made
I have made


4. HOW TO SHAKE HANDS

Are you cool?
Well I'm cool
Is everybody cool?
Well let's get hot

Grass roots
All across this great nation
And I am truly humbled
And gratefully accept the nomination

I'm gonna be President
Of the United States
First Tuesday in November
Mark it down and save the date

Live music in the White House
Strictly B.Y.O.B.
The public want to get down
It is our collective destiny

I'm gonna kiss all the babies
Maybe kiss their Mamas too
I don't need the secret service
I know how to work a room

I'm gonna be President
Of the United States
I was born to be the President
Of these United States

On the day I was born
All the nurses and doctors
"Take that boy out his crib
And put him in the Executive Office!"

First thing that I'm gonna do
Is disclose all those U.F.O.s
Put Jimi Hendrix on the 20 dollar bill
And Bill Hicks on a 5 note

Hot damn the democratic process
What a time to be alive
Oh I'm ready to give the people what they want
And what they want is straight talk and no jive

"We have exit polls coming in
Rhode Island and American Samoa
We have more results coming in
From Puerto Rico and both Dakotas
Breaking news happening right now
I believe we're ready to call it
Do you want us to call it? Yeah!
I believe we have a winner!"

Thank you very much
I couldn't have done it
I couldn't have done it without you!
Drinks on me!

Thank you very much
I couldn't have done it
I couldn't have done it without you!
Drinks on me!

First thing that I'm gonna do
Is go for a ride on a U.F.O.
Put Jimi Hendrix on the 20 dollar bill
And Bill Hicks on a 5 note

Hot damn the democratic process
What a time to be alive
Oh I'm ready to give the people what they want
And what they want is straight talk and no jive


5. IN WALKS BARBARELLA

Heard you got detention three times this week
Playing with the bad kids down by the creek
When I was your age, oh I, did the same
I'll save you some trouble, boy, and try to explain

Defcon! Tractor beams! Weaponized Funk
In walks Barbarella, set to stun
Defcon! Tractor beams! Gamma ray gun
Straight out the mothership! Weaponized Funk

Let me back up 20 years or so
Before I met your mama, I was living on the road
I met a belle from the astral planes
Hopped in my seven ten, I was never quite the same

Defcon! Tractor beams! Weaponized Funk
In walks Barbarella, set to stun
Defcon! Tractor beams! Gamma ray gun
Straight out the mothership! Weaponized Funk

One last word to the wise
While we got time to kill
If the X-rays don't get ya
Then the heartbreak surely will

When it was over, all I had to show
Big bill from Motel 6 and a broken nose
From east of Needles to eternity
Space trucking, son, ain't what it used to be

Defcon! Tractor beams! Weaponized Funk
In walks Barbarella, set to stun
Defcon! Tractor beams! Gamma ray gun
Straight out the mothership! Weaponized Funk

Defcon! Tractor beams! Weaponized Funk
In walks Barbarella, set to stun
Defcon! Tractor beams! Gamma ray gun
Straight out the mothership!


6. VISION QUEST

I went out drinking with the reaper
And man did it get live
You could count it by the liter
It's kinda hard to quantify
Come morning he was shakin'
And he began to sob
I said, man you got to keep it together
Or you gonna be out a job

Oh pale rider, you're in need of a hella talking to
Why don't you leave me be? I got things to do
Oh pale rider, the missus has it out for you
And if she sees you here, she gonna cut you through

Three days later he came knockin'
And I was so surprised
He wasn't offerin' a coffin
He was there to socialize
I'm on a vision quest
And everybody's invited
Ain't life just the best?
It's so damn exciting!

Oh pale rider, you're in need of a hella talking to
Why don't you leave me be? I got things to do
Oh pale rider, the missus has it out for you
And if she sees you here, she gonna cut you through

Man did it get live
Man did it get live
Man did it get
Man did it get live
Man did it get
Man did it get live

Oh pale rider, you're in need of a hella talking to
Why don't you leave me be? I got things to do
Oh pale rider, the missus has it out for you
And if she sees you here, she gonna cut you through


7. WEIRD TIMES

Weird times

She radiated haute couture
Fancy machinery and free literature
Yet I knew something was not quite right
Disregarding that what was there not to like?

Weird times
Maximum full blown
Weird times
Destination unknown
Weird times
Maximum full blown
Weird times
Futurism is the loneliest job

The meter got to melting, the auditor screamed
Your thetan levels are far too extreme!
She ran the numbers, there was no mistake
You don't belong here, you must be from out of state!

Weird times
Maximum full blown
Weird times
Destination unknown
Weird times
Maximum full blown
Weird times
Futurism is the loneliest job

I'm in the mood for technological innovation
The likes of which humanity has never seen
I'm in the mood for big time cosmic revelation
The likes of which would make you think more highly of me

Weird times
Maximum full blown
Weird times
Destination unknown
Weird times
Maximum full blown
Weird times
Futurism is the loneliest job

Weird times
Maximum full blown
Weird times
Destination unknown
Weird times
Maximum full blown
Weird times
Futurism is the loneliest job


8. EMILY DICKINSON

The farmhouse was overtaken
By vine and the snake
Hooked on phantom power
The acres seemed to ache
Pursued by floating rebels
They'd take us if they could
I thought a spell of country living
Would do my spirits good

Emily Dickinson
Won't you lay your hair down low?
Staring out the windowpane
There's so much more to know
Emily Dickinson
All buttoned down in Victoria black
Let's watch the white clouds run
With the cool grass on our backs

The door mouse was mistaken
There was no quarter there
The attic and the cellar
Were but jaws of a bear
The hunter was the quarry
All tangled in the wood
I thought a spell of country living
Would do my spirits good

Emily Dickinson
Won't you lay your hair down low?
Staring out the windowpane
There's so much more to know
Emily Dickinson
All buttoned down in Victoria black
Let's watch the white clouds run
With the cool grass on our backs

Disembodied gentry
Gathered by my door
Your electrical habits
Aren't welcome here anymore

That day I left
With a locket and glove
Keepsakes lest I forget
A woman by the name of

Emily Dickinson
Won't you lay your hair down low?
Staring out the windowpane
There's so much more to know
Emily Dickinson
All buttoned down in Victoria black
Let's watch the white clouds run
With the cool grass on our backs

Emily Dickinson
Trade your lily for a rose
Run to the valley
Where the wild daisy grows
Emily Dickinson
Won't you lay your hair down low?
Staring out the windowpane
There's so much more to know


9. SONIC COUNSELOR

Ferocious women and ill tempered men
We're not that picky 'cause we take 'em all in
We fuss and fight and spit and cuss
Look no further you have found the right church

Ecclesiastic
World wide
Enlightenment
Sonic counselor
Ecclesiastic
World wide
Enlightenment
Sonic counselor

Prosperity gospel just ain't our thing
The riches we seek are fit for no king
If you desire material worth
The truth of the matter is you're in the wrong church

Ecclesiastic
World wide
Enlightenment
Sonic counselor
Ecclesiastic
World wide
Enlightenment
Sonic counselor

Transient fundamentals
All are welcome in this holy temple

We greet each other in codified rhyme
Scratch off the numbers to call the divine
If you're in need of miraculous works
We have good news you're in the right church

Ecclesiastic
World wide
Enlightenment
Sonic counselor
Ecclesiastic
World wide
Enlightenment
Sonic counselor


10. A GOOD FIRE

I remember hearing Sabbath for the first time
When I was thirteen years old
A large field party outside Damascus
In the grips of October's cold

Alder birch cedar boxwood pine
Who among us can deny?
We love a good fire
We love a good fire

I made eyes with a girl whose name
I can not clearly remember
Then again that was some thirty years ago
And our words have been lost to the timber

Alder birch cedar boxwood pine
Who among us can deny?
We love a good fire
We love a good fire

Like a babe in the woods
I knew right there that I'd been had
Like a lamb among the wolves
I knew right there that I'd been had

This rusted hatchet weighs
Much too heavy in the hand
And all across my countryside
No longer trees do stand
Sycamore oak and ash
Nothing in this world can ever last
Can ever last

Now a geezer's nightmare
Slowly unfolds
The sound of English rain
Pisses on the coals

Alder birch cedar boxwood pine
Who among us can deny?
We love a good fire
We love a good fire
We love a good fire
Who doesn't love a good fire?


11. GHOUL WRANGLER

I hear a ruckus in the back tall shadows on the wall
Mabel, won't you wake up we got lawyers in the barn
Yes we do
All the rumors they're all true
Don't worry baby I know what to do

Many years ago there was a case of legalese
Thankfully my grandad handed down those ancient ways
Yes he did
Folk magic the real deal
Folk magic hot off the grill!

Woo!
Ghoul wrangler
Shut 'em down
Ghoul wrangler
Shut 'em down
Licensed and bonded
I should give a business card
Certified
Ghoul wrangler

I sneak up to the coop and see them chewing on the bones
Spitting backwards Latin at mobile phones
Yes they were
Frothing at the mouth like rabid beasts
Diabolical to say the least

At the sight of me they bare their flashing yellow claws
Bits of old poor Chester white falling from their maws
Yes they were
Hackles rose air grew chill
Folk magic hot off the grill!

Woo!
Ghoul wrangler
Shut 'em down
Ghoul wrangler
Shut 'em down
Licensed and bonded
I should give a business card
Certified
Ghoul wrangler

Thirteen bloody litigators feasting on the hog
My god, Mabel, we got lawyers in the barn

Twelve of them dispatched and now there's one more left to go
I track his penny loafers through the freshly fallen snow
Yes I did
I find him in the old stockyard
We got different laws down on the farm

Woo!
Ghoul wrangler
Shut 'em down
Ghoul wrangler
Shut 'em down
Licensed and bonded
I should give a business card
Big time
Ghoul wrangler

Thirteen bloody litigators feasting on the hog
My god, Mabel, we got lawyers in the barn
Thirteen bloody litigators feasting on the hog
My god, Mabel, we got lawyers in the barn


12. H.B. IS IN CONTROL

South side Denny's I was amazed
As I quietly surveyed the damaged
I did my best not to attract attention
Just a glass of water and a ham sandwich

Krystal came 'round one more time
And her demeanor was most concerning
She dropped the pitcher, screamed bloody murder
Then something in the kitchen started burning

Don't call the cops, don't call the fire department
Hieronymus Bosch in control
Supernatural, yeah
Hieronymus Bosch is in control

The joint erupted in a medieval melee
You know that style darkness and misery
I started thinking this is getting bubonic
And I better split before they get to splitting me

The smoke was thick and it was all confusion
The manager managed to vomit money
I got up on the counter, said you all must be tripping
If this is some kind of joke well it ain't funny

Don't call the cops, don't call the fire department
Hieronymus Bosch in control
Supernatural, yeah
Hieronymus Bosch is in control

Those of you who might suspect
I am given to exaggeration
Like them or not, the facts are facts
They're not open to interpretation

Feet first into the pandemonium
I didn't sign up for this
Feet first into the pandemonium
I didn't, I didn't sign up for this

Don't call the cops, don't call the fire department
Hieronymus Bosch in control
Supernatural, yeah
Hieronymus Bosch is in control

Don't call the fire department
Hieronymus Bosch is in control
Supernatural, yeah
Hieronymus Bosch is in control


13. HOT BOTTOM FEEDER

Never mind that stuff, they sell from Vietnam
Get it from the Chesapeake, but never from the can
Follow my directions, it's an easy recipe
Strictly by the pound, adjust accordingly

One hundred million years old
Transcendent creature
No bones about it
Hot bottom feeder

Don't bother with the lump, it won't stick together
I prefer backfin... And there's nothing wrong with special
Powdered mustard, parsley, a dab of mayonnaise
Just enough bread crumbs and one raw egg

One hundred million years old
Transcendent creature
I just can't get enough
Hot bottom feeder

Yes, indeed. Serve it up hot!
Yes, indeed. Like this

Grab a biscuit cutter and pack it till it's filled
Stick it in the reefer for a little time to chill
Butter up a skillet, fry till golden brown
Find yourself a beverage and wash it all down

One hundred million years old
Transcendent creature
No bones about it
Hot bottom feeder
One hundred million years old
Transcendent creature
I just can't get enough
Hot bottom feeder


14. PAPER & STRIFE

Reptilian oil pompadour set to kill
150 pesos ain't enough to pay these bills

Liberate the Spanish prisoner
The clock's ticking and the time grows near
If you won't maybe your neighbor will
Regional salesman of the year

Iraqi dinars by the metric ton
Robert Johnson's contract oh you know you need one

Liberate the Spanish prisoner
The clock's ticking and the time grows near
If you won't maybe your neighbor will
Regional salesman of the year
If you won't maybe your neighbor will
Regional salesman of the year

The twisted words of a grifter
Tall tales of a marginal life
Heart as dark as the inkwell
The world turns on paper and strife
Uh huh paper and strife
Uh huh paper and strife
Uh huh paper and strife
Uh huh paper and strife

You're a shining example
Of America at her best
Unlike the Joneses next door
Who are clearly raging communists

Liberate the Spanish prisoner
The clock's ticking and the time grows near
If you won't maybe your neighbor will
Regional salesman of the year
If you won't maybe your neighbor will
Regional salesman of the year

The twisted words of a grifter
Tall tales of a marginal life
Heart as dark as the inkwell
The world turns on paper and strife
Uh huh paper and strife
Uh huh paper and strife
Uh huh paper and strife
Uh huh paper and strife


15. LORELEI

There's no wisdom I may give
Only my apologies
If an answer you must have
There is a cave by the sea

You'll find there a Methuselah
As windswept as the trees
Should you approach him there
I advise you do so gingerly

Lorelei trouble my water
Oh I throw myself over
Rapture of song
Lorelei sweet mooncusser
Oh my compass is spinning
And I'm so far from home

There was a time of innocence
He knew nothing of the sea
Landlocked in all directions
Riding elephants to victory
But when the war at last was over
To the circus the beast went
So he walked until the land's end
And he's been there ever since

Lorelei trouble my water
Oh I throw myself over
Rapture of song
Lorelei sweet mooncusser
Oh my compass is spinning
And I'm so far from home

Lorelei trouble my water
Oh I throw myself over
Rapture of song
Lorelei sweet mooncusser
Oh my compass is spinning
And I'm so far from home