1. TO DEFY THE LAWS OF TRADITION

What if Christmas didn't come this year
and no one paid for Christmas cheer?
Who would cry the biggest tear,
the child or the store?
Why do brides wear virgin white?
Most do not deserve that right.
But to choose a color of their delight
would surely bring on the frowns.
To defy the laws of tradition
is a crusade only of the brave.
Suppose the taxman, he comes to town,
and you don't lay your money down.
Yet Mr. Jones he killed Mr. Brown the other day.
Well I wonder, who's gonna go to hell.


2. JOHN THE FISHERMAN

When he was young you'd not find him doing well in school,
His mind would turn unto the waters.
Always the focus of adolescent ridicule,
He has no time for farmer's daughters.
Alienated from the clique society,
A lonely boy finds peace in fishing.
His mother says "John this is not the way life's supposed to be."
"Don't you see the life that you are missing?"
And he says...
When I grow up I want to be,
One of the harvesters of the sea.
I think before my days are done,
I want to be a fisherman.

Now years gone by we find man that rules the sea.
He sets out on a dark May morning .
To bring his catch back to this small community.
He doesn't see the danger dawning.
Four hours up, oh the ocean swelled and swelled,
The fog rolled in it started raining.
"The starboard bow." "Oh my God we're going down!"
The do not hear his frantic mayday.
And he says
When I grow up I want to be,
one of the harvesters of the sea.
I think before my days are done,
I want to be a fisherman.
"I'll live and die a fisherman."
Calling John the Fisherman.


3. TOO MANY PUPPIES

Too many puppies are being shot in the dark.
Too many puppies are trained not to bark.
At the sight of blood that must be spille dso that
We may maintain our oil fields.
Too many puppies
Too many puppies are taught to heal.
Too many puppies are trained to kill.
On the command of men wearing money belts that buy
mistresses sleek animal pelts.
Too many puppies.

Too many puppies with guns in their hands.
Too many puppies in foreign lands.
Are dressed up sharp in suits of green and
Placed upon the war machine.
Too many puppies are just like me.
Too many puppies are afraid to see.
The visions of the past brought to life again,
Too many puppies, too many dead men.


4. JERRY WAS A RACE CAR DRIVER

Jerry was a race car driver
And he drove so goddamned fast
He never did win no checkered flag
But he never did come in last
Jerry was a race car driver
He'd say "El Sob number one"
With a bocephus sticker
On his 442 he'd light 'em up
Just for fun

Captain Pierce was a fireman
Richmond engine #3
I'll be a wealthy man when I get
A dime for all the things that
Man taught to me
Captain Pierce was a strong man
Strong as any man alive
It stuck in his craw that they
Made him retire at the age of 65

Jerry was a race car driver
22 years old
Had too many cold beers one night
And wrapped himself around a telephone pole.


5. THOSE DAMNED BLUE-COLLAR TWEEKERS

I've seen them out at Soco
They're pounding sixteen penny nails
The truckers on the interstate
Have been known to ride the rails
The sweat is beating on the brow
Can't keep these fellas down
'Cause those damned blue-collared tweekers
Are runnin' this here town

I knew a man who hung drywall
He hung it mighty quick
A trip or two to the blue room
Would help him do the trick
His foreman would pat him on the back
Whenever he would come around
'Cause these dammed blue-collar tweekers
Are beloved in this here town

Now the union boys are there
To protect us from all the corporate type
While curious George's drug patrol
Is out here hunting snipe
Now they try to tell me different
But you know I ain't no clown
'Cause those damned blue-collar tweekers
Are the backbone of this town

Now the flame that burns twice as bright
Burns only half as long
My eyes are growing weary
As I finalize this song
So sit back and have a cup o' joe
And watch the wheels go round
'Cause those damned blue-collar tweekers
Have always run this town


6. TOMMY THE CAT

"I remember as if it were a meal ago"

Said Tommy the Cat as he reeled back to clear whatever foreign matter may have nestled its way into his mighty throat.
Many a fat alley rat had met its demise while staring point blank down the cavernous barrel of this awesome prowling machine.
Truly a wonder of nature this urban predator.
Tommy the cat had many a story to tell,
But it was a rare occasion such as this that he did.

"She came slidin' down the alleyway like butter drippin' off a hot biscuit.
The aroma, the mean scent, was enough to arouse suspicion in even the oldest of Tigers that hung around the hot spot in those days.
The sight was beyond belief.
Many a head snapped for double - even triple - takes as this vivacious feline made her her way into the delta of the alleyway where the most virile of the young tabbys were known to hang out.

They hung in droves. Such a multitude of masculinity could only be found in one place...
And that was O'malley's Alley.

The air was thick with cat calls (no pun intended),
But not even a muscle in her neck did twitch as she sauntered up into the heart of the alley.
She knew what she wanted.
She was lookin' for that stud bull, the he cat.
And that was me.

Tommy the Cat is my name and I say unto thee...

"Say baby do you wanna lay down by me"


7. MY NAME IS MUD

My name is Mud
Not to be confused with Bill or Jack or Pete or Dennis
My name is mud and it's always been
'Cause I'm the most boring sons-a-bitch you've ever seen
I dress in blue-yes navy blue
From head to toe I'm rather drab except my patent shoes
I make 'em shine, well most the time
'Cept today my feet are troddin' on by this friend of mine
Six foort two and rude as hell
I got to get him in the ground before he starts to smell
My name is Mud

My name is Mud, but call me Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie
That's long for Mud so I've been told
Told that by this sonsabitch that lies before me bloated blue and cold
I've got my pride, I drink my wine
I'd drink the finest except I haven't earned a dime in several months
Or were it years
The breath on that fat bastard could bring any man to tears
We had our words, a common spat
So I kissed him upside the cranium with an aluminum baseball bat
My name is Mud


8. MR. KRINKLE

Hello Mr. Krinkle
How are you today?
Seems the rumors are about your team might move away
Now, me I'm sentimental
But I'm not one to cry

Say there Mr. Krinkle let's cruise the Bastard boat
Damn then sonsabitches with their gill-nets set afloat
I flip on my tele and I watch the waters die
C'mon Mr. Krinkle tell me why

Hey ho Mr. Krinkle have you heard the brand new sound
It's a cross between Jimi Hendrix
Bocephus, Cher and James Brown
It's called "Heavy Hometown"
New Wave, cold-filtered, low-calorie dry
C'mon Mr. Krinkle tell me why


9. DMV

I've been to hell. I spell it...I spell it DMV
Anyone that's been there knows precisely what I mean
Stood there and I've waited and choked back the urge to scream
And if I had my druthers I'd screw a chimpanzee-call it pointless

When I need relief I spell it THC
Perhpas you may know vaguely what I mean
I sit back and smoke away huge chunks of memory
As I slowly inflict upon myself a full lobotomy-call it pointless

Barbecues, tea kettles, gobs of axle grease
There comes a time for every man to sail the seas of cheese
Now, life's a bowl of bagel dogs, but there are unpleasantries
Cold toilet seats, dentist chairs and trips to DMV-call it pointless

I've been to hell. I spell it...I spell it DMV
Anyone that's been there knows precisely what I mean
I've stood in line and waited near an hour and fifteen
And if I had my druthers I'd screw that chimpanzee-call it pointless


10. OVER THE ELECTRIC GRAPEVINE

They headed southward from San Francisco,
To be with Chuckles and the others.
With electric in the air and peroxide in their hair,
They looked like golden brothers.
They drove a Datsun, an automatic,
The radio blaring static,
He made a face into the light and burst out laughing at the sight.
The hysteria ensuing would dominate the night.
From all the candy, the seats were sticky,
As they were drawn into the grapevine.
Then "Introduce Yourself" came on as they barreled through the gog.
The demon puffing madly on a mentholated log.
They were tired, they were sleepy,
So they parked behind the Roxy.
Adam left to use the phone, so he sat there all alone,
When Adam's voice come beaming through on the radio,
He started laughing...


11. WYNONA'S BIG BROWN BEAVER

Wynona's got herself a big brown beaver
and she shows it off to all her friends.
One day, you know, that beaver tried to leave her,
So she caged him up with cyclone fence.
Along came Lou with the old baboon
And said "Recognize that smell?"
"Smells like seven layers,
That beaver eats Taco Bell."
Now Rex he was a Texan out of New Orleans
And he travelled with the carnival shows.
He ran bumper cars, sucked cheap cigars
And he candied up his nose.
He got wind of the big brown beaver
So he though he'd take himself a peek,
But the beaver was quick
And grabbed him by the kiwis.
Now he ain't pissed for a week.
(And a half!)
Now Wynona took her big brown beaver,
And she stuck him up in the air.
Said "I sure do love this big brown beaver
And I wish I did have a pair."
Now the beaver onces slept for seven days
And it gave us all an awful fright.
So I tickled his chin and I gave him a pinch
And the bastard tried to bite me.
Wynona loved her big brown beaver
And she stroked him all the time.
She pricked her finger one day and it
Occurred to her she might have a porcupine.


12. SOUTHBOUND PACHYDERM

Quite a suprise
What an ingenious device
Boredom encompasses my time
I don't know what I should do

Indulging a moment of your time
Seldom the breeder of lies
But you won't believe that it's true

They take to the sky
Southbound Pachyderm

Pinholes through cardboard
At the Sun
Passing the bucks by one by one
Leaving nothing in return

Watching the majest blow past
Speculating which will be the last
Savoring my piece of pie

And there is no reprise
They're filling the sky
Southbound Pachyderm


13. OVER THE FALLS

They broke out in laughter again
His lip beaded with sweat as they strapped him in
And he stood by and waited to be called

The talk was of times that'd gone by
And the quantity and quality of women they lie
His eyes welled with wet and his mouth had gone dry

As he stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited like the others before
For his turn to go over the falls

He got up and tried it again
For lack of persistence is surely a sin
As he stood by and waited to be called

He looked to the lightning with glee
And admired his vessel for it's symmetry
Feeling twelve units shy of a bachelor's degree

As he stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited like the others before
For his turn to go over the falls


14. SHAKE HANDS WITH BEEF

There's a time for lies
And a time for truth
I say, eye for an eye
Eye for a tooth

When I roamed young
I'd scavenge around
Every nook and cranny
Of our little town

It's nice, so nice, to be

Pull out the cannon boys
Steal us some wine
Puff Tijuana Smalls
SHAKE HANDS WITH BEEF

She's so fine
She's so sweet
Mom and Pop they raised her
On huge slabs of meat

She's fine

A man of nine
Water derby day
Twenty six pumps
On a Crossman
And it's time to play

It's nice, so nice, to be

Pull out the cannon boys
Steal us some wine
Puff Tijuana Smalls
SHAKE HANDS WITH BEEF


15. COATTAILS OF A DEAD MAN

He wasn't lookin' for fanfare or fame
but it all came around just the same.
He then met a girl with desire in her eye,
he gave her love, she took his name.

The times they were good, the times they were bad,
most times it was just in between.
The hard pill he swallowed was the times that they had,
she put on display for all to be seen.

Some find their solace in work or the lord,
she was quite content in her dream.
When his eyes they burned from the bright lime light,
he found comfort in the bottle of Ol' Jimmy Beam.

One day from the depths of his deep darkened hole,
he reached out for something to feel.
She offered back nothin' but lack of respect
so he left himself out with two barrels of steel.

She cried in the day, she cried in the night.
She cried loudest when someone was near.
Whether crying for him or she cried for herself,
the bigger the camera, the bigger the tear.

Most folks agree that she was living a hell
and publicly she showed her pain.
And never once was there a thought for herself,
and the ever-growing slices of fortune and fame.

Now on the coattails of a dead man she'll ride
on the coattails of a dead man she'll ride.
On the coattails of a dead man she'll ride she'll ride,
on the coattails of a dead man she'll ride she'll ride high.


16. MARY THE ICE CUBE

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