Tenacious D : Tenacious D
Lyrics
1. KIELBASA
[Spoken]
KG: Dude, we gotta fuckin' write something new. C'mon.
[Strums]
JB: I don't like that. So far ba--, off to a bad start.
[Strums again]
JB: Better, closer, warmer.
[Strums again]
JB: That's it. Okay.
[Sung]
I love ya baby but all I can think about is
Kielbasa sausage, your butt cheese is warm.
I check my dipstick, you need lubrication honey,
My kielbasa sausage has just got to perform.
Now get it on!
I see you walkin', but all I can think about is
Dianetics, your butt cheese is warm.
I check my dipstick, you need lubrication honey,
My kielbasa sausage has just got to perform.
Now I've been set loose-ah,
I'm shooting my juice-ah,
Right in your caboose.
Now fuckin' get it on!
Now get it on.
Get it on!
Dianetics Jr. much better than Krishna,
Dianetics Jr. much better indeed,
And all you people here you're tremendous,
(Except the people in the back),
And you're smokin' up a big-ass bowl of weed
With me, me and KG.
All right!
Oh yeah,
All right! Oh my God!
All the ladies in the house say yeah [yeah],
C'mon, you muthafucka say a prayer [prayer],
When ya fight, ya gotsta fight fair,
You muthafucka, ho, you muthafucka,
You know what time it is?
Tenacious D time, you muthafucka, go!
Fuck yeah!
Yeah, yeah!
[Spoken]
Dude, that was TNT.
2. ONE NOTE SONG
[Spoken]
KG: Jack.
JB: Yeah?
KG: Do you think some people...do you think that there's some people that aren't really...that are actually robots...living among us?
JB: No.
KG: That we can't tell..
JB: No, we don't have the technology yet. But Rage...Rage. Rage.
KG: Yeah?
JB: You know what I was thinkin'? Stop playing. I was thinking of a fuckin' brilliant song.
KG: Yeah?
JB: Check it out. Just do what I do.
KG: Okay.
JB: Just play this note.
[JB plays single note over and over]
[KG joins in, over and over]
JB: And then we both keep play-...just keep playing that note.
[Both continue]
JB: Every once in a while, bend it.
[Both playing, while bending notes]
JB: And that's it. And just remember who wrote that song. Me, baby, me.
KG: [sighs]
JB: See, it's fuckin' simple. That's one song in the bank. Next song...next song.
KG: Is that..how can...but it's one note.
JB: NEXT!
KG: Anybody coulda wrote it. Anybody coulda done that. It's one song, it's one note.
JB: But guess who did write it? Me.
KG: Yeah but did you write thi- [starts playing]
JB: Dude, I did. I told you to do the bendy every once in a while!
KG: Awh yeah, you did. Fuck.
JB: Woo hoo! I win!
KG: Shit!
JB: I win! One to nothing!
3. TRIBUTE
[Spoken]
This is the greatest and best song in the world... Tribute.
Long time ago me and my brother Kyle here, we was hitchhikin' down a long and lonesome road. All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the road.
And he said:
[Sung]
"Play the best song in the world, or I'll eat your soul." [Soul]
[Spoken]
Well me and Kyle, we looked at each other,
and we each said... "Okay."
[Sung]
And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
The Best Song in the World, it was The Best Song in the World.
Look into my eyes and it's easy to see
One and one make two, two and one make three,
It was destiny.
Once every hundred-thousand years or so,
When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
And the grass doth grow...
Needless to say, the beast was stunned.
Whip-crack went his schwumpy tail,
And the beast was done.
He asked us: "(snort) Be you angels?"
And we said, "Nay. We are but men."
Rock!
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!
This is not The Greatest Song in the World, no.
This is just a tribute.
Couldn't remember The Greatest Song in the World, no, no.
This is a tribute, oh, to The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was the best muthafuckin' song the greatest song in the world.
[2-part skat]
[Spoken]
And the peculiar thing is this my friends: the song we sang on that fateful night it didn't actually sound anything like this song.
[Sung]
This is just a tribute! You gotta believe me!
And I wish you were there! Just a matter of opinion.
Ah, fuck! Good God, God lovin',
So surprised to find you can't stop it.
[Skat]
All right! All right!
4. WONDERBOY
High above the mucky-muck, castle made of clouds,
There sits Wonderboy, sitting oh so proudly.
Not much to say when you're high above the mucky-muck.
Yeah, yeah.
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won't you take me far away from the mucky-muck man?
[Spoken]
Now it's time for me to tell you about Young Nastyman, archrival and nemesis of Wonderboy, with powers comparable to Wonderboy. What powers you ask? I dunno how 'bout the power of flight? That do anything for ya? That's levitation, holmes. How 'bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away... with mind bullets! That's telekinesis, Kyle. How 'bout the power to move you?
[Sung]
History of Wonderboy and Young Nastyman,
Riggah-goo-goo, riggah-goo-goo.
A secret to be told, a gold chest to be bold,
And blasting forth with three-part harmony, yeow!
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won't you take me far away from the mucky-muck man?
[Spoken]
Well, Wonderboy and Young Nastyman joined forces; they formed a band the likes of which have never been seen, and they called themselves Tenacious D. That's right,
[Sung]
Me! And KG!
KG [Spoken]: That's me.
[Sung]
What? No! Tenacious D!
Come fly with me, fly!
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won't you take me far away from the mucky-muck man,
Oh!
[Spoken]
Take my hand!
Young Nastyman, and we'll fly!
Bring out your broadsword.
There's the hydra.
Slice his throat!
And grab his scroat.
You take the high road,
I'll take the low.
There, at the crevasse,
Fill it with your mighty juice.
5. HARD FUCKING
We should talk about the hard fucking though.
Hard fucking?
Because.. i think it's a pretty common complaint.
(laugh)
Yeah the ladies don't really like the hard fucking.
You feel like you're giving them some extra juice?
They're not into that!
No.
You think you're like taking them to the limit
Maybe they are though, they're into that.
You know what the test is? You just say get on top honey, You do what you like! And then sometimes she'll be fucking you really hard! And it's like wait. You like that?
(laugh)
You like that? Slow down i'm gonna spurt. Nyah-arghh sorry.
Shouldn't have fucked me so hard!!
(laugh)
6. FUCK HER GENTLY
This is a song for the ladies
But fellas listen closely
You don't always have to fuck her hard
In fact sometimes that's not right to do
Sometimes you've got to make some love
And fuckin give her some smoochies too
Sometimes ya got to squeeze
Sometimes you've got to say please
Sometime you've got to say hey
I'm gonna Fuck you softly
I'm gonna screw you gently
I'm gonna hump you sweetly
I'm gonna ball you discreetly
And then you say hey I bought you flowers
And then you say wait a minute sally
I think I got somethin in my teeth
Could you get it out for me
That's fuckin teamwork
Whats your favorite posish?
That's cool with me
Its not my favorite
But I'll do it for you
Whats your favorite dish?
Im not gonna cook it
But ill order it from Zanzibar
And then I'm gonna love you completely
And then I'll fuckin fuck you discreetly
And then I'll fucking bone you completely
But then I'm gonna fuck you hard
Hard
7. EXPLOSIVO
Climb upon my faithful steed,
Then we gonna ride,
gonna smoke some weed.
Climb upon my big-ass steed,
And ride, ride, ride.
Eeeee-eee-eee-eeeee-eeeee-eee-eee-eeeee-eeeee-eeeee-eeeee,
What's the name of the song,
Explosivo!
Don't know what it's about,
But it's good to go.
What's the name of my girlfriend
I don't know,
But she's built like the shit
And she's good to go, go,
She's good to go,
She's good to go.
We are fuelled by Satan,
Yes we're schooled by Satan.
Fuelled by Satan!
Writin' those tasty riffs
just as fast as we can.
Schooled by Satan!
We were the inventors
of the cosmic astral code.
We've come to blow you away,
We've come to blow your nose.
We've come to fuckin' blow,
We've come to blow the show.
We've come to fuckin' blow,
You know it, you know it!
Eeeee-eee-eee-eeeee-eeeee-eee-eee-eeeee-eeeee-eeeee-eeeee,
What's the name of the song,
Explosivo!
Don't know what it's about
But it's good to riddle-ah!
[Spoken]
I am not one of you. I come from an ancient time. I am known as The Kicker of Elves. I am also known as The Angel Crusher!
Explosivo.
8. DIO
Dio has rocked for a long, long time,
Now it's time for him to pass the torch.
He has songs of wildebeests and angels,
He has soared on the wings of a demon.
It's time to pass the torch,
You're too old to rock, no more rockin' for you.
We're takin' you to a home,
But we will sing a song about you.
And we will make sure that you're very well taken care of.
You'll tell us secrets that you've learned. Raow!
Your sauce will mix with ours,
And we'll make a good goulash baby.
Dio, time to go!
You must give your cape and scepter to me.
And a smaller one for KG.
Go! Go! Dio! Dio!
9. INWARD SINGING
Kyle:
Jack: Oh my God....Oh my God I've done it. Kage come here I want you!
Kyle: What? What? God! I'm Sleepin' dude, what're you talkin'?
Jack: Oh my God..
Kyle: What?
Jack: I did it.
Kyle: What'd you do?
Jack: I've done it. I fuckin' did it. The most powerful tool in singing technology since yodelling dude. Oh my God, inward singing.
Kyle: What?
Jack: Check it out it's an invention, and it makes non-stop rocking possible. Think about it man! Rock singers are only rocking you half the time! The other time there the the breathing, in! But not anymore baby! Not with inward singing check it out.
And then I start some lyrics.
And you can't believe I'm singin'.
And I'm never fuckin' stoppin'.
And I'm always fuckin' singing.
And Now you know that I will never
Stop the fuckin' singing. I'm like a
Fuckin' one man band, I'm like a fuckin' one man
Band-----------------.
Jack: And I can sing like that all fuckin' night!
Kyle: Wow. Wasn't really nonstop though, there was a slight--
Jack: Gah! Shut up! It is nonstop! And the other thing is, that when I'm fuckin' singin' in, it sounds even better, then when I'm singin' out! Shut up! Fuck you! You fuckin' dick! Always naysaying! Everything I t-create! You piece of shit! You create something! Like inward singing! You fuckin' shit! You fuckin' sit in your tower! Ya fuckin' nap--
Kyle:
Jack: What's funny? You fucking dick! Fuckin' fuck eah! Fuckin' cock ass!
Kyle: Woo..
Jack: You're fired from the band.
Kyle: Um...that won't be necessary Jack.
Jack: Why?
Kyle: We-I'm quitting.
Jack: What?
Kyle: I quit.
10. KYLE QUIT THE BAND
Last week, Kyle quit the band,
Now we're back together, uh.
Misunderstanding, didn't understand.
It doesn't matter, now we're back together again.
A-la la la la la.
Couldn't split up Kato and Nash. [that's true]
Couldn't split up Tango and Cash.
That's also true!
This is our song of exultant joy because
We only came to kick some ass.
Rock the fuckin' house and kick some ass.
What we gonna do with all the cash?
Smoke hash, and then we thrash.
We'll throw a big ol' bash y'all.
And everyone is invited to the bash.
And everyone you're all invited to the bash!
C'mon Kyle, one time c'mon!
[Skat]
11. THE ROAD
The road is fuckin' hard,
The road is fuckin' tough-ah,
There's no question that-eh
It is rough, rough stuff.
It's the fuckin' road my friend
But it's the only road I know.
When I'm lunchin' on a tasty boosh
Right after the show.
You g-go go go!
The road is fuckin' hard,
It's also really fuckin' tough,
There's no question that
It don't take no guff.
The road is a be-a-itch my friend
But it's the only fuckin' road I know,
When I'm snackin' on a tasty boosh
Right after the show.
You g-go go go!
I met a tasty baby in Michigan.
We screwed two times then I left.
Sometimes I think of my baby in Michigan.
Why can't I stay in one place
For more than two days.
Why?!
Because I'm talkin' about the road. (x5)
Road!
12. COCK PUSHUPS
K.G.: Do you think that um..dude, do you think that when the album..when this is out...
J.B.: Yeah?
KG: Do you think that we'll..it'll make us..um.. more attractive to the ladies?
JB: (psh) Yeah. In fact, i've been getting ready.
KG: Yeah?
JB: Yeah, i've been doing cock pushups.
KG: Cock pushups?
JB: Yeah.
KG: What are those?
JB: It's where you fuckin' lay down flat on the ground.
KG: Yeah..
JB: And then you let your boner lift you up off the ground.
KG: Noo. No, it's..that'd be impossible. Your..your cock could support your whole weight?
JB: Well not at first.
KG: Yeah.
JB: But over time.
KG: Hmm. How..how many pushups can you do?
JB: Cock pushups?
KG: Yeah. ...I guess you could only do one, really.
JB: Yeah, one is all you need.
13. LEE
Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee,
Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee,
We're talkin' fuckin' Lee.
I had a friend named Lee,
He cast a spell a spell on me.
If me and Lee and KG could be three,
Flyin' free Tenaciously,
Skinny-dippin' in a sea of Lee,
I'd propose on bended knee
To Lee Lee Lee, Lee Lee Lee,
Lee Lee,
Lee Lee Lee, Lee Lee Lee,
Lee Lee,
Le-Lut-Le-Le-Le-Lee Lee Lee,
Le-Lut-Le-Le-Le-Lee Lee,
If me, and Lee, and KG, [that's me]
Could be three, [could be three]
Plant a tree, [plant a tree]
Just for Lee, [just for Lee]
Just for Lee, [Lee]
Just for Lee!
Lee, Lee, Lee ("Psycho" Knife Song style, 16X)
Leeee, Leeee, Leeee
LEE!
14. FRIENDSHIP TEST
J.B.: *Rrrrriiiinggg* *Rrrriiiinnng*
K.G.: *Click* Two Kings.
JB: Hey kayg.
KG: Hey.
JB: How's it going?
KG: Good, good.
JB: What're you doing?
KG: Oh god..I was just..I was..
JB: I love you.
KG: What'd you say?
JB: I said I love you, man. Just wanted to say it.
KG: Dude, thanks. Thank you. That's awesome. That's fucking awesome. I mean, uh..that's cool..you can say that.
[Silence]
JB: Don't you have something to say?
KG: No. Oh..I lov..I mean..I..uhh...I like you. I like you too, dude.
JB: Whoa, whoa. LIKE? OOOhhh man. I'm glad I fucking did this test on you, the Friendship Test.
KG: What?
JB: No, man...
KG: What are you talkin' about?
JB: ...That was..what happened before when I said I love you, that was a test. Because, man, I could've made a total ass of myself if I hadn't done this test on you. *whistles* Hoo-hoo, boy.
KG: Wait? You don't..you don't really love me?
JB: Dude, listen. You fucking passed the test, okay?
KG: *big sigh* Thank god.
JB: But barely..you know what you got?
KG: What'd I get?
JB: F +. *click*
15. FRIENDSHIP
Friendship is rare,
Do you know what I'm sayin' to you?
Friendship is rare.
My derriere,
When you find out much later
That they don't really care.
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me, can't you see?
Oh shit there's a bear,
Could you hand me that shotgun buddy,
Also that chair?
We're fighting a bear
Now your life's in grave danger
And you don't even care.
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me,
Say a prayer for me,
Cause it's rare to be
In Tenacious D.
Friends will be friends
They're running naked in the sand,
Friends holding hands
Will someday surely form a band,
Friends will be friends
They say that friends are friends
To the bitter end.
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!
Friends will be friends
They're running naked in the sand,
Friends holding hands
Will someday surely form a band,
Friends will be friends
They say that friends are friends
To the bitter end.
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!
Long as there's a record deal we'll always be friends, yeah
16. KARATE SCHNITZEL
(J) God, i'm fucking hungry... Let me check the fridge... dude, where is my fucking schnitzel... Hey, wake up, wake up you asshole... wake up!
(K) Ahh.. Ahh god, what?!
(J) You ate my fucking schnitzel!
(K) What?
(J) You ate my fucking schnitzel!
(K) well... well it was in there. If you put it in there it's fair game
(J) Yeah?
(K) For anybody who wants to eat it...
(J) Well maybe this is fair game... HIIYAH!
(K) YOW! GOD!
(J) Thats my fucking, yeah, thats my karate chop...
(K) What're you doing?
(J) How aboout this... HIIYAH...
(...with karate i'll kick your ass...)
17. KARATE
With karate I'll kick your ass
Here to Tiennamen Square.
Oh yeah, muthafucka,
I'm onna kick your fuckin' derriere.
You broke the rules,
Now I'll pull out all your pubic hair,
You muthafucka.
You muthafucka.
Kyle betrayed me
And then he lied tried to hide
And I died deep inside
And you know the reason why.
I'm onna kick your ass
From here to right over there.
Oh yeah muthafucka,
I'm onna kick your fuckin' derriere.
You broke the rules,
Now I'll pull out all your pubic hair,
You muthafucka.
You muthafucka
18. ROCK YOUR SOCKS OFF
Dave Grohl [Spoken]: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6-6-6!
[Sung]
It doesn't matter if it is good,
It only matters if it rocks.
The main thing that we do is to rock your socks off.
There's no such thing as a rock prodigy,
Cause rock n roll is bogus, right KG? [right!]
Only thing that really matters is a classical sauce.
And that's why me and KG are classically trained
To rock your fuckin' socks off!
Give em a taste KG.
KG [Spoken]: Okay.
That is Bach and it rocks
It's a rock block of Bach
That he learned in the school
Called the school of hard knocks!
Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for rock,
Give it up for blues,
Give it up for everything that is not to lose.
Now rock your socks off woman,
We'll rock your shit up y'all.
Give it up children now to freak your shit out!
All right!
[Spoken]
Now I know what a lot of you are sayin': "I just figured out what I'm onna do with the rest of my days. I'm onna get me an oversized guitar, gain forty pounds and be the next D." Well I got sour news for you, jack. It ain't that easy. For instance, are you willing to make the commitment to wakin' up at the crack a' noon, for deep-knee rock squats!? Seven or eight at a time!? In a row? How bout are you willing to make the commitment to rock-hard tasty abs washer-board style? Glistening in the sun. How bout are you willin' to make the commitment, wakin' up, goin' okay, it's gig time, what t-shirt am I gonna wear? Can't decide Can't decide Brain aneurysm! We've been through so much bullshit just to be here tonight to rock your fuckin' socks off. And all we ask in return is so precious little. All we're askin' you to do is drop trou and squeeze out a Cleveland Steamer on my chest.
[Sung]
2-3-4,
Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for rock, give it up for blues,
Give it up for everything that is not to lose.
Now rock your socks off woman,
We'll rock your shit up y'all.
Give it up children won't you freak your shit out!
All right!
[Ad-lib hollers & screams]
19. DRIVE-THRU
Starring:
JB-(Jack Black)
KG
W-(Worker)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
JB- Kage
KG- yea?
JB- Lets go to the Drive Thru
KG- oh good i'm starvin
KG,JB-*vvvvvvlllll-zrrrrr (car noises)*
W- may i help you, this is Erl
JB- yea uhm..
W- hello?
JB- uhm..
W- can i have your order?
JB- yea.... hold on a second i'm looking at the menu..
W- Ok
JB- uuuhh--
W- (interrupts)---would you like special curley fries??
JB- please, don-don't offer me anything..... I'll tell YOU what I want...
W- Ok
JB- uhm.. ok.. ya know how you got the 6 peice nuggets?
W- 6 piece chicken nuggets?
JB- just uh.. can you give me just 4 nuggets? i-i'm trying ta-
W- (Interrupts) they come in 6 or 12 peice...
JB- SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO MY ORDER! take the 6 nuggets and throw 2 of them away.. i'm just wanting the 4 nugget, thing.. i'm trying to watch my, calorie intake...
W- (interrupts) they come in 6 or 12 peice nuggets....
JB- PUT TWO OF THEM UP YOUR ASS, AND GIVE ME 4 chicken McNuggets!!!
W- ok... 4 peice chicken nuggets... would you like--
JB- (interrupts) then uhm... cani have a Jr Western Bacon Chee... A JUNIOR, wester bacon Chee.. i'm tryin to watch my figure...
W- western bacon cheese burger..
JB- A JUNIOR western bacon Chee...
W- would you like that with onions?
JB- no onions....
W- ok
JB- uhm--
W- Jr bacon cheese, 4 peice chicken nugget..
JB- and i'm gonna go with, uh... a fullet of fish sandwich.. since that has less calories.. cause it's fish..
W- Fullet of fish...
JB- Ya know.. If you could take a coca-cola.. and just go half coca-cola and half Diet Coke.. cause i'm tryin to watch my figure... Gotta lose some of the weight..
W- you want it half, coca-cola, half die--
JB- And a SMALL.. a SMALL chocolate shake.. cause i'm trying to watch my figure... notta large, a small..
W- they come in medium small, or medium large.... Small Chocolate Shake
JB- Also a small seasoned Curleys... a small seasoned Curleys...
W- ok a small seasoned curleys.. wha---
JB- Ok uhm... ffffffffffffffff-uck my ass what else? give me uh.. aright Cherries Jubalee, and thats it..
W- cherries Jubalee...
JB- wha- kage.. whadda you want?
KG- uh... jeez.. lemmee have a uhm.. i think iwant the regular uh.. western bacon cheese burger, large shake... uh, seasoned curle----
JB- (interrupts) OH GOD!!! GDAA-G- COME ONE WITH THE ORDER! TAKE FOREVER!!
KG- gta.. ok thats it thats all i want.. thats all i want...
JB- GoOd..... Ho wmuch is that Sur?
W- that'll be uuhh.. 14.75, at the window please.. please drive up..
JB- do you have any money??
KG- oh sheez... uhm... boo... oh god.... yea i got...yes.. i got like..
JB- Give it ta me...
KG- uh here...
JB- mmmkay... we only have ah... alright.. (yells) We're gonna need to cancel the last two things on the order...
W- ok.. uh.. ca-
KG- thank you.. lets go..
**Car noises-(vrrrrrrzzzllllllllllll)**
20. DOUBLE TEAM
[Spoken]
Damn, a hard day's rockin'. Better slip off ma shoes. Maybe give a little stretch, and a bend. Dip m'toe to jacuzzi, baby. Slip out this book: The Buttress of Windsor. Ho ho ho, who's this? How's it goin'?
[Sung]
That's the first thin' I say to you.
How's it goin'? Are you flowin'?
Listen honey,
Thinkin' bout a couple things to say to you,
Showin', growin',
Man I'd like to place my hand
upon your fuckin' sexy ass and squeeze.
And squeeze!
Take off your blouse,
And your underpants,
Then take a look,
Cause here me and KG come naked,
Out of the side-hatch,
With the oils and perfume and incense.
Now you're groovin',
Put on a cool 70s groove.
A funky groove to fuck to.
A funky groove to fuck to.
Me, me and KG,
It's all about sex supreme,
We likes to cream jeans. (sex)
Have you ever been worked on
By two guys who are hot for your snatch? (sex)
That's what I'm offerin' you.
You step into our room,
And then you smell the perfume,
You lay upon our roundish bed,
And then you feel a tickling on your head.
It's KG with the feather and the French tickler,
Look out baby he got the tools.
And then you feel sumpin' down by your feet.
It's me, it's JB, I'm suckin' upon your toes.
We don't mind sucking on toes!
Good luck finding a boyfriend who sucks toe, ow!
Havin' sex with me and KG,
Now you're talkin' double team supreme.
Let's roll!
Oh!
[2-part]: Ahh, oh!
What! Yeah! Huh! Nah! Oh!
Ah, that's it, that's right, ohmygah, oh-I-think-I'm-gonna, Ohh!
Deht! Deht! Eeee!
Splooge!
[Spoken]
That was the one.
KG: Hail Satan!
JB: Hail Satan!
KG: Hail Satan!
JB: Hail Satan!
21. CITY HALL
All you people up there in City Hall,
You're fuckin' it up for the people that's in the streets.
This is a song for the people in the streets,
Not the people City Hall.
All you motherfuckers in the streets it's time to rise up,
Come along children and fuckin' rise!
Lots of times when me and KG are watchin'
All the fuckin' shit that goes down at City Hall,
We get the feeling we should fuck shit up,
Yeah we should fuckin' start a riot.
A Riot!
We have 'em screaming in the streets,
We have 'em tippin' over shit and breakin' fuckin' windows of small businesses,
And settin' fuckin' fires!
And settin' fuckin' fires!
And settin' fuckin' fires!
[Spoken]
And then after the smoke is cleared, and the rubble has been swept away, me and KG will peek out our heads. We've been watching the riots on a monitor twenty floors below sea level, from a bunker.
We did it Rage-Kage, we beat the bastards of City Hall! [laughs] But now what will we do? We must rebuild. But who will lead us in the rebuilding process? Man, it's got to be someone with the know-how and the elbow grease to lead us to a new land. No, not me and KG, we don't have the cognitive capacity to lead... Alright, we'll do it!
[Sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings,
We'll lead as Two Kings.
Ahhhaaa [Two Kings, we'll lead as Two Kings]
Ah-ha ah-how,
We'll lead as Two Kings.
[Spoken]
The first decree is to legalize marijuana. The tyranny and the bullshit's gone on too long. You old fuckin' shrivs who blocked it's legalization, you're banished from the land!
[Sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings,
We'll lead as Two Kings.
Ahhhaaa [Two Kings, we'll lead as Two Kings]
Ah-ha ah-how,
Lead as Two Kings.
[Spoken]
The second decree: no more pollution, no more car exhaust, or ocean dumpage. From now on, we will travel in tubes!
[Sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings, oh, yeah,
We'll fuckin' lead as Two Kings.
[Spoken]
Get the scientists working on the tube technology, immediately. [Tube technology.] Chop, chop, let's go.
[Spoken]
Third decree: no more... rich people and poor people. From now on, we will all be the same... ummm, I dunno, I gotta think about that...
[Sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings
Ah yeah, ah yeahhhahahaha.
Ha-ha-ho-hee, ha-ha-ho-hee-ha-ha-ho-ho-ho-ho.
[Spoken]
JB: Oh my God.
KG: Ahh... What?
JB: Dude, the red phone is flashing.
KG: Oh, yeah.
JB: Let me scoop that up. Hello? Two Kings.
KG: Who is it?
JB: What?! No! No fucking way!
KG: What?
JB: Rage, there's a potato famine in Idaho, you gotta go down there!
KG: Oh my God... what?
JB: Dude, I gotta stay here!
KG: Why do I have to go?
JB: Please! Please!
KG: Oh, God, okay.
JB: Awesome... is he gone? Alright, emergency meeting of Parliament. All right Parliament, I know this is fucked up, but Rage, he can't be King anymore. Dudes, he's encroaching on my decrees! Seriously, let's make him "Duke," a kick ass "Duke." Or "leader formerly known as King," but-- uh-oh he's comin' back...
[Sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings, oh yes
we'll really lead as Two Kings.
[Spoken]
KG: Uh, dude?
JB: Rage.
KG: I went all over Idaho...
JB: Yeah?
KG: Uh, plenty of potatoes everywhere.
JB: What? There was no famine?
KG: Yeah, there was no famine, no.
JB: Dude.
KG: I don't know what's uh...
JB: A toast...
KG: A toast...
JB: Long live the "D."
KG: Long live the "D."
[clinking of glasses]
JB: Long live me. I'm sorry, I poisoned your wine.
KG: What?
JB: For the good of the land.
KG: You p-- I poisoned yours... huh heh, as well.
JB/KG: Noooooooooo!!!!!
No!
[Sung]
City, city, city, city, city, city, shitty.
Shitty, city, shitty, shitty, city, city, shitty.
Hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall.
People inside me are askin' me to smoke up City Hall,
'Cause no one here is talkin'.
People inside me are askin' me to blow up City Hall,
'Cause no one here is rockin'.
People inside me are askin' me to blow up City Hall,
'Cause everyone is Rock-'em Sock-'em Robots.
Everyone is Rock-'em Sock-'em Robots.
Everyone is Rock-'em Sock-'em GO! OH!
[Spoken]
JB: Don't, cut that part out.
KG: We've got it.
--
JB: Um, do you believe in God?
KG: I believe, I believe.
JB: You do?
KG: I believe in God. I believe in God.
JB: [laughs] Y'do--
KG: I believe in God.
JB: Do you?
KG: I believe in God.
--
Malibu Nights
KG [Spoken]: Yeah, but you didn't fuckin' come out with this [one]--! [cuts off on "one"]
[KG starts playing]
JB [Spoken]: I got some lyrics.
[Sung]
Malibu nights, tangerine dreams,
Malibu neighs, Malibu dreams,
Malibu, makin' a poo.
Stinky poo, lookin'd view.
Because it's time for my breakfast,
It's time for some cheese.
It's time for the stink,
Time for the breeze,
Time for the... hah-or-eeee!
[Spoken]
KG: Dude, we gotta fuckin' write something new. C'mon.
[Strums]
JB: I don't like that. So far ba--, off to a bad start.
[Strums again]
JB: Better, closer, warmer.
[Strums again]
JB: That's it. Okay.
[Sung]
I love ya baby but all I can think about is
Kielbasa sausage, your butt cheese is warm.
I check my dipstick, you need lubrication honey,
My kielbasa sausage has just got to perform.
Now get it on!
I see you walkin', but all I can think about is
Dianetics, your butt cheese is warm.
I check my dipstick, you need lubrication honey,
My kielbasa sausage has just got to perform.
Now I've been set loose-ah,
I'm shooting my juice-ah,
Right in your caboose.
Now fuckin' get it on!
Now get it on.
Get it on!
Dianetics Jr. much better than Krishna,
Dianetics Jr. much better indeed,
And all you people here you're tremendous,
(Except the people in the back),
And you're smokin' up a big-ass bowl of weed
With me, me and KG.
All right!
Oh yeah,
All right! Oh my God!
All the ladies in the house say yeah [yeah],
C'mon, you muthafucka say a prayer [prayer],
When ya fight, ya gotsta fight fair,
You muthafucka, ho, you muthafucka,
You know what time it is?
Tenacious D time, you muthafucka, go!
Fuck yeah!
Yeah, yeah!
[Spoken]
Dude, that was TNT.
2. ONE NOTE SONG
[Spoken]
KG: Jack.
JB: Yeah?
KG: Do you think some people...do you think that there's some people that aren't really...that are actually robots...living among us?
JB: No.
KG: That we can't tell..
JB: No, we don't have the technology yet. But Rage...Rage. Rage.
KG: Yeah?
JB: You know what I was thinkin'? Stop playing. I was thinking of a fuckin' brilliant song.
KG: Yeah?
JB: Check it out. Just do what I do.
KG: Okay.
JB: Just play this note.
[JB plays single note over and over]
[KG joins in, over and over]
JB: And then we both keep play-...just keep playing that note.
[Both continue]
JB: Every once in a while, bend it.
[Both playing, while bending notes]
JB: And that's it. And just remember who wrote that song. Me, baby, me.
KG: [sighs]
JB: See, it's fuckin' simple. That's one song in the bank. Next song...next song.
KG: Is that..how can...but it's one note.
JB: NEXT!
KG: Anybody coulda wrote it. Anybody coulda done that. It's one song, it's one note.
JB: But guess who did write it? Me.
KG: Yeah but did you write thi- [starts playing]
JB: Dude, I did. I told you to do the bendy every once in a while!
KG: Awh yeah, you did. Fuck.
JB: Woo hoo! I win!
KG: Shit!
JB: I win! One to nothing!
3. TRIBUTE
[Spoken]
This is the greatest and best song in the world... Tribute.
Long time ago me and my brother Kyle here, we was hitchhikin' down a long and lonesome road. All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the road.
And he said:
[Sung]
"Play the best song in the world, or I'll eat your soul." [Soul]
[Spoken]
Well me and Kyle, we looked at each other,
and we each said... "Okay."
[Sung]
And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
The Best Song in the World, it was The Best Song in the World.
Look into my eyes and it's easy to see
One and one make two, two and one make three,
It was destiny.
Once every hundred-thousand years or so,
When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
And the grass doth grow...
Needless to say, the beast was stunned.
Whip-crack went his schwumpy tail,
And the beast was done.
He asked us: "(snort) Be you angels?"
And we said, "Nay. We are but men."
Rock!
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!
This is not The Greatest Song in the World, no.
This is just a tribute.
Couldn't remember The Greatest Song in the World, no, no.
This is a tribute, oh, to The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was the best muthafuckin' song the greatest song in the world.
[2-part skat]
[Spoken]
And the peculiar thing is this my friends: the song we sang on that fateful night it didn't actually sound anything like this song.
[Sung]
This is just a tribute! You gotta believe me!
And I wish you were there! Just a matter of opinion.
Ah, fuck! Good God, God lovin',
So surprised to find you can't stop it.
[Skat]
All right! All right!
4. WONDERBOY
High above the mucky-muck, castle made of clouds,
There sits Wonderboy, sitting oh so proudly.
Not much to say when you're high above the mucky-muck.
Yeah, yeah.
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won't you take me far away from the mucky-muck man?
[Spoken]
Now it's time for me to tell you about Young Nastyman, archrival and nemesis of Wonderboy, with powers comparable to Wonderboy. What powers you ask? I dunno how 'bout the power of flight? That do anything for ya? That's levitation, holmes. How 'bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away... with mind bullets! That's telekinesis, Kyle. How 'bout the power to move you?
[Sung]
History of Wonderboy and Young Nastyman,
Riggah-goo-goo, riggah-goo-goo.
A secret to be told, a gold chest to be bold,
And blasting forth with three-part harmony, yeow!
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won't you take me far away from the mucky-muck man?
[Spoken]
Well, Wonderboy and Young Nastyman joined forces; they formed a band the likes of which have never been seen, and they called themselves Tenacious D. That's right,
[Sung]
Me! And KG!
KG [Spoken]: That's me.
[Sung]
What? No! Tenacious D!
Come fly with me, fly!
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won't you take me far away from the mucky-muck man,
Oh!
[Spoken]
Take my hand!
Young Nastyman, and we'll fly!
Bring out your broadsword.
There's the hydra.
Slice his throat!
And grab his scroat.
You take the high road,
I'll take the low.
There, at the crevasse,
Fill it with your mighty juice.
5. HARD FUCKING
We should talk about the hard fucking though.
Hard fucking?
Because.. i think it's a pretty common complaint.
(laugh)
Yeah the ladies don't really like the hard fucking.
You feel like you're giving them some extra juice?
They're not into that!
No.
You think you're like taking them to the limit
Maybe they are though, they're into that.
You know what the test is? You just say get on top honey, You do what you like! And then sometimes she'll be fucking you really hard! And it's like wait. You like that?
(laugh)
You like that? Slow down i'm gonna spurt. Nyah-arghh sorry.
Shouldn't have fucked me so hard!!
(laugh)
6. FUCK HER GENTLY
This is a song for the ladies
But fellas listen closely
You don't always have to fuck her hard
In fact sometimes that's not right to do
Sometimes you've got to make some love
And fuckin give her some smoochies too
Sometimes ya got to squeeze
Sometimes you've got to say please
Sometime you've got to say hey
I'm gonna Fuck you softly
I'm gonna screw you gently
I'm gonna hump you sweetly
I'm gonna ball you discreetly
And then you say hey I bought you flowers
And then you say wait a minute sally
I think I got somethin in my teeth
Could you get it out for me
That's fuckin teamwork
Whats your favorite posish?
That's cool with me
Its not my favorite
But I'll do it for you
Whats your favorite dish?
Im not gonna cook it
But ill order it from Zanzibar
And then I'm gonna love you completely
And then I'll fuckin fuck you discreetly
And then I'll fucking bone you completely
But then I'm gonna fuck you hard
Hard
7. EXPLOSIVO
Climb upon my faithful steed,
Then we gonna ride,
gonna smoke some weed.
Climb upon my big-ass steed,
And ride, ride, ride.
Eeeee-eee-eee-eeeee-eeeee-eee-eee-eeeee-eeeee-eeeee-eeeee,
What's the name of the song,
Explosivo!
Don't know what it's about,
But it's good to go.
What's the name of my girlfriend
I don't know,
But she's built like the shit
And she's good to go, go,
She's good to go,
She's good to go.
We are fuelled by Satan,
Yes we're schooled by Satan.
Fuelled by Satan!
Writin' those tasty riffs
just as fast as we can.
Schooled by Satan!
We were the inventors
of the cosmic astral code.
We've come to blow you away,
We've come to blow your nose.
We've come to fuckin' blow,
We've come to blow the show.
We've come to fuckin' blow,
You know it, you know it!
Eeeee-eee-eee-eeeee-eeeee-eee-eee-eeeee-eeeee-eeeee-eeeee,
What's the name of the song,
Explosivo!
Don't know what it's about
But it's good to riddle-ah!
[Spoken]
I am not one of you. I come from an ancient time. I am known as The Kicker of Elves. I am also known as The Angel Crusher!
Explosivo.
8. DIO
Dio has rocked for a long, long time,
Now it's time for him to pass the torch.
He has songs of wildebeests and angels,
He has soared on the wings of a demon.
It's time to pass the torch,
You're too old to rock, no more rockin' for you.
We're takin' you to a home,
But we will sing a song about you.
And we will make sure that you're very well taken care of.
You'll tell us secrets that you've learned. Raow!
Your sauce will mix with ours,
And we'll make a good goulash baby.
Dio, time to go!
You must give your cape and scepter to me.
And a smaller one for KG.
Go! Go! Dio! Dio!
9. INWARD SINGING
Kyle:
Jack: Oh my God....Oh my God I've done it. Kage come here I want you!
Kyle: What? What? God! I'm Sleepin' dude, what're you talkin'?
Jack: Oh my God..
Kyle: What?
Jack: I did it.
Kyle: What'd you do?
Jack: I've done it. I fuckin' did it. The most powerful tool in singing technology since yodelling dude. Oh my God, inward singing.
Kyle: What?
Jack: Check it out it's an invention, and it makes non-stop rocking possible. Think about it man! Rock singers are only rocking you half the time! The other time there the the breathing, in! But not anymore baby! Not with inward singing check it out.
And then I start some lyrics.
And you can't believe I'm singin'.
And I'm never fuckin' stoppin'.
And I'm always fuckin' singing.
And Now you know that I will never
Stop the fuckin' singing. I'm like a
Fuckin' one man band, I'm like a fuckin' one man
Band-----------------.
Jack: And I can sing like that all fuckin' night!
Kyle: Wow. Wasn't really nonstop though, there was a slight--
Jack: Gah! Shut up! It is nonstop! And the other thing is, that when I'm fuckin' singin' in, it sounds even better, then when I'm singin' out! Shut up! Fuck you! You fuckin' dick! Always naysaying! Everything I t-create! You piece of shit! You create something! Like inward singing! You fuckin' shit! You fuckin' sit in your tower! Ya fuckin' nap--
Kyle:
Jack: What's funny? You fucking dick! Fuckin' fuck eah! Fuckin' cock ass!
Kyle: Woo..
Jack: You're fired from the band.
Kyle: Um...that won't be necessary Jack.
Jack: Why?
Kyle: We-I'm quitting.
Jack: What?
Kyle: I quit.
10. KYLE QUIT THE BAND
Last week, Kyle quit the band,
Now we're back together, uh.
Misunderstanding, didn't understand.
It doesn't matter, now we're back together again.
A-la la la la la.
Couldn't split up Kato and Nash. [that's true]
Couldn't split up Tango and Cash.
That's also true!
This is our song of exultant joy because
We only came to kick some ass.
Rock the fuckin' house and kick some ass.
What we gonna do with all the cash?
Smoke hash, and then we thrash.
We'll throw a big ol' bash y'all.
And everyone is invited to the bash.
And everyone you're all invited to the bash!
C'mon Kyle, one time c'mon!
[Skat]
11. THE ROAD
The road is fuckin' hard,
The road is fuckin' tough-ah,
There's no question that-eh
It is rough, rough stuff.
It's the fuckin' road my friend
But it's the only road I know.
When I'm lunchin' on a tasty boosh
Right after the show.
You g-go go go!
The road is fuckin' hard,
It's also really fuckin' tough,
There's no question that
It don't take no guff.
The road is a be-a-itch my friend
But it's the only fuckin' road I know,
When I'm snackin' on a tasty boosh
Right after the show.
You g-go go go!
I met a tasty baby in Michigan.
We screwed two times then I left.
Sometimes I think of my baby in Michigan.
Why can't I stay in one place
For more than two days.
Why?!
Because I'm talkin' about the road. (x5)
Road!
12. COCK PUSHUPS
K.G.: Do you think that um..dude, do you think that when the album..when this is out...
J.B.: Yeah?
KG: Do you think that we'll..it'll make us..um.. more attractive to the ladies?
JB: (psh) Yeah. In fact, i've been getting ready.
KG: Yeah?
JB: Yeah, i've been doing cock pushups.
KG: Cock pushups?
JB: Yeah.
KG: What are those?
JB: It's where you fuckin' lay down flat on the ground.
KG: Yeah..
JB: And then you let your boner lift you up off the ground.
KG: Noo. No, it's..that'd be impossible. Your..your cock could support your whole weight?
JB: Well not at first.
KG: Yeah.
JB: But over time.
KG: Hmm. How..how many pushups can you do?
JB: Cock pushups?
KG: Yeah. ...I guess you could only do one, really.
JB: Yeah, one is all you need.
13. LEE
Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee,
Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee,
We're talkin' fuckin' Lee.
I had a friend named Lee,
He cast a spell a spell on me.
If me and Lee and KG could be three,
Flyin' free Tenaciously,
Skinny-dippin' in a sea of Lee,
I'd propose on bended knee
To Lee Lee Lee, Lee Lee Lee,
Lee Lee,
Lee Lee Lee, Lee Lee Lee,
Lee Lee,
Le-Lut-Le-Le-Le-Lee Lee Lee,
Le-Lut-Le-Le-Le-Lee Lee,
If me, and Lee, and KG, [that's me]
Could be three, [could be three]
Plant a tree, [plant a tree]
Just for Lee, [just for Lee]
Just for Lee, [Lee]
Just for Lee!
Lee, Lee, Lee ("Psycho" Knife Song style, 16X)
Leeee, Leeee, Leeee
LEE!
14. FRIENDSHIP TEST
J.B.: *Rrrrriiiinggg* *Rrrriiiinnng*
K.G.: *Click* Two Kings.
JB: Hey kayg.
KG: Hey.
JB: How's it going?
KG: Good, good.
JB: What're you doing?
KG: Oh god..I was just..I was..
JB: I love you.
KG: What'd you say?
JB: I said I love you, man. Just wanted to say it.
KG: Dude, thanks. Thank you. That's awesome. That's fucking awesome. I mean, uh..that's cool..you can say that.
[Silence]
JB: Don't you have something to say?
KG: No. Oh..I lov..I mean..I..uhh...I like you. I like you too, dude.
JB: Whoa, whoa. LIKE? OOOhhh man. I'm glad I fucking did this test on you, the Friendship Test.
KG: What?
JB: No, man...
KG: What are you talkin' about?
JB: ...That was..what happened before when I said I love you, that was a test. Because, man, I could've made a total ass of myself if I hadn't done this test on you. *whistles* Hoo-hoo, boy.
KG: Wait? You don't..you don't really love me?
JB: Dude, listen. You fucking passed the test, okay?
KG: *big sigh* Thank god.
JB: But barely..you know what you got?
KG: What'd I get?
JB: F +. *click*
15. FRIENDSHIP
Friendship is rare,
Do you know what I'm sayin' to you?
Friendship is rare.
My derriere,
When you find out much later
That they don't really care.
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me, can't you see?
Oh shit there's a bear,
Could you hand me that shotgun buddy,
Also that chair?
We're fighting a bear
Now your life's in grave danger
And you don't even care.
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me,
Say a prayer for me,
Cause it's rare to be
In Tenacious D.
Friends will be friends
They're running naked in the sand,
Friends holding hands
Will someday surely form a band,
Friends will be friends
They say that friends are friends
To the bitter end.
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!
Friends will be friends
They're running naked in the sand,
Friends holding hands
Will someday surely form a band,
Friends will be friends
They say that friends are friends
To the bitter end.
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!
Long as there's a record deal we'll always be friends, yeah
16. KARATE SCHNITZEL
(J) God, i'm fucking hungry... Let me check the fridge... dude, where is my fucking schnitzel... Hey, wake up, wake up you asshole... wake up!
(K) Ahh.. Ahh god, what?!
(J) You ate my fucking schnitzel!
(K) What?
(J) You ate my fucking schnitzel!
(K) well... well it was in there. If you put it in there it's fair game
(J) Yeah?
(K) For anybody who wants to eat it...
(J) Well maybe this is fair game... HIIYAH!
(K) YOW! GOD!
(J) Thats my fucking, yeah, thats my karate chop...
(K) What're you doing?
(J) How aboout this... HIIYAH...
(...with karate i'll kick your ass...)
17. KARATE
With karate I'll kick your ass
Here to Tiennamen Square.
Oh yeah, muthafucka,
I'm onna kick your fuckin' derriere.
You broke the rules,
Now I'll pull out all your pubic hair,
You muthafucka.
You muthafucka.
Kyle betrayed me
And then he lied tried to hide
And I died deep inside
And you know the reason why.
I'm onna kick your ass
From here to right over there.
Oh yeah muthafucka,
I'm onna kick your fuckin' derriere.
You broke the rules,
Now I'll pull out all your pubic hair,
You muthafucka.
You muthafucka
18. ROCK YOUR SOCKS OFF
Dave Grohl [Spoken]: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6-6-6!
[Sung]
It doesn't matter if it is good,
It only matters if it rocks.
The main thing that we do is to rock your socks off.
There's no such thing as a rock prodigy,
Cause rock n roll is bogus, right KG? [right!]
Only thing that really matters is a classical sauce.
And that's why me and KG are classically trained
To rock your fuckin' socks off!
Give em a taste KG.
KG [Spoken]: Okay.
That is Bach and it rocks
It's a rock block of Bach
That he learned in the school
Called the school of hard knocks!
Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for rock,
Give it up for blues,
Give it up for everything that is not to lose.
Now rock your socks off woman,
We'll rock your shit up y'all.
Give it up children now to freak your shit out!
All right!
[Spoken]
Now I know what a lot of you are sayin': "I just figured out what I'm onna do with the rest of my days. I'm onna get me an oversized guitar, gain forty pounds and be the next D." Well I got sour news for you, jack. It ain't that easy. For instance, are you willing to make the commitment to wakin' up at the crack a' noon, for deep-knee rock squats!? Seven or eight at a time!? In a row? How bout are you willing to make the commitment to rock-hard tasty abs washer-board style? Glistening in the sun. How bout are you willin' to make the commitment, wakin' up, goin' okay, it's gig time, what t-shirt am I gonna wear? Can't decide Can't decide Brain aneurysm! We've been through so much bullshit just to be here tonight to rock your fuckin' socks off. And all we ask in return is so precious little. All we're askin' you to do is drop trou and squeeze out a Cleveland Steamer on my chest.
[Sung]
2-3-4,
Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for KG, give it up for me,
Give it up for rock, give it up for blues,
Give it up for everything that is not to lose.
Now rock your socks off woman,
We'll rock your shit up y'all.
Give it up children won't you freak your shit out!
All right!
[Ad-lib hollers & screams]
19. DRIVE-THRU
Starring:
JB-(Jack Black)
KG
W-(Worker)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
JB- Kage
KG- yea?
JB- Lets go to the Drive Thru
KG- oh good i'm starvin
KG,JB-*vvvvvvlllll-zrrrrr (car noises)*
W- may i help you, this is Erl
JB- yea uhm..
W- hello?
JB- uhm..
W- can i have your order?
JB- yea.... hold on a second i'm looking at the menu..
W- Ok
JB- uuuhh--
W- (interrupts)---would you like special curley fries??
JB- please, don-don't offer me anything..... I'll tell YOU what I want...
W- Ok
JB- uhm.. ok.. ya know how you got the 6 peice nuggets?
W- 6 piece chicken nuggets?
JB- just uh.. can you give me just 4 nuggets? i-i'm trying ta-
W- (Interrupts) they come in 6 or 12 peice...
JB- SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO MY ORDER! take the 6 nuggets and throw 2 of them away.. i'm just wanting the 4 nugget, thing.. i'm trying to watch my, calorie intake...
W- (interrupts) they come in 6 or 12 peice nuggets....
JB- PUT TWO OF THEM UP YOUR ASS, AND GIVE ME 4 chicken McNuggets!!!
W- ok... 4 peice chicken nuggets... would you like--
JB- (interrupts) then uhm... cani have a Jr Western Bacon Chee... A JUNIOR, wester bacon Chee.. i'm tryin to watch my figure...
W- western bacon cheese burger..
JB- A JUNIOR western bacon Chee...
W- would you like that with onions?
JB- no onions....
W- ok
JB- uhm--
W- Jr bacon cheese, 4 peice chicken nugget..
JB- and i'm gonna go with, uh... a fullet of fish sandwich.. since that has less calories.. cause it's fish..
W- Fullet of fish...
JB- Ya know.. If you could take a coca-cola.. and just go half coca-cola and half Diet Coke.. cause i'm tryin to watch my figure... Gotta lose some of the weight..
W- you want it half, coca-cola, half die--
JB- And a SMALL.. a SMALL chocolate shake.. cause i'm trying to watch my figure... notta large, a small..
W- they come in medium small, or medium large.... Small Chocolate Shake
JB- Also a small seasoned Curleys... a small seasoned Curleys...
W- ok a small seasoned curleys.. wha---
JB- Ok uhm... ffffffffffffffff-uck my ass what else? give me uh.. aright Cherries Jubalee, and thats it..
W- cherries Jubalee...
JB- wha- kage.. whadda you want?
KG- uh... jeez.. lemmee have a uhm.. i think iwant the regular uh.. western bacon cheese burger, large shake... uh, seasoned curle----
JB- (interrupts) OH GOD!!! GDAA-G- COME ONE WITH THE ORDER! TAKE FOREVER!!
KG- gta.. ok thats it thats all i want.. thats all i want...
JB- GoOd..... Ho wmuch is that Sur?
W- that'll be uuhh.. 14.75, at the window please.. please drive up..
JB- do you have any money??
KG- oh sheez... uhm... boo... oh god.... yea i got...yes.. i got like..
JB- Give it ta me...
KG- uh here...
JB- mmmkay... we only have ah... alright.. (yells) We're gonna need to cancel the last two things on the order...
W- ok.. uh.. ca-
KG- thank you.. lets go..
**Car noises-(vrrrrrrzzzllllllllllll)**
20. DOUBLE TEAM
[Spoken]
Damn, a hard day's rockin'. Better slip off ma shoes. Maybe give a little stretch, and a bend. Dip m'toe to jacuzzi, baby. Slip out this book: The Buttress of Windsor. Ho ho ho, who's this? How's it goin'?
[Sung]
That's the first thin' I say to you.
How's it goin'? Are you flowin'?
Listen honey,
Thinkin' bout a couple things to say to you,
Showin', growin',
Man I'd like to place my hand
upon your fuckin' sexy ass and squeeze.
And squeeze!
Take off your blouse,
And your underpants,
Then take a look,
Cause here me and KG come naked,
Out of the side-hatch,
With the oils and perfume and incense.
Now you're groovin',
Put on a cool 70s groove.
A funky groove to fuck to.
A funky groove to fuck to.
Me, me and KG,
It's all about sex supreme,
We likes to cream jeans. (sex)
Have you ever been worked on
By two guys who are hot for your snatch? (sex)
That's what I'm offerin' you.
You step into our room,
And then you smell the perfume,
You lay upon our roundish bed,
And then you feel a tickling on your head.
It's KG with the feather and the French tickler,
Look out baby he got the tools.
And then you feel sumpin' down by your feet.
It's me, it's JB, I'm suckin' upon your toes.
We don't mind sucking on toes!
Good luck finding a boyfriend who sucks toe, ow!
Havin' sex with me and KG,
Now you're talkin' double team supreme.
Let's roll!
Oh!
[2-part]: Ahh, oh!
What! Yeah! Huh! Nah! Oh!
Ah, that's it, that's right, ohmygah, oh-I-think-I'm-gonna, Ohh!
Deht! Deht! Eeee!
Splooge!
[Spoken]
That was the one.
KG: Hail Satan!
JB: Hail Satan!
KG: Hail Satan!
JB: Hail Satan!
21. CITY HALL
All you people up there in City Hall,
You're fuckin' it up for the people that's in the streets.
This is a song for the people in the streets,
Not the people City Hall.
All you motherfuckers in the streets it's time to rise up,
Come along children and fuckin' rise!
Lots of times when me and KG are watchin'
All the fuckin' shit that goes down at City Hall,
We get the feeling we should fuck shit up,
Yeah we should fuckin' start a riot.
A Riot!
We have 'em screaming in the streets,
We have 'em tippin' over shit and breakin' fuckin' windows of small businesses,
And settin' fuckin' fires!
And settin' fuckin' fires!
And settin' fuckin' fires!
[Spoken]
And then after the smoke is cleared, and the rubble has been swept away, me and KG will peek out our heads. We've been watching the riots on a monitor twenty floors below sea level, from a bunker.
We did it Rage-Kage, we beat the bastards of City Hall! [laughs] But now what will we do? We must rebuild. But who will lead us in the rebuilding process? Man, it's got to be someone with the know-how and the elbow grease to lead us to a new land. No, not me and KG, we don't have the cognitive capacity to lead... Alright, we'll do it!
[Sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings,
We'll lead as Two Kings.
Ahhhaaa [Two Kings, we'll lead as Two Kings]
Ah-ha ah-how,
We'll lead as Two Kings.
[Spoken]
The first decree is to legalize marijuana. The tyranny and the bullshit's gone on too long. You old fuckin' shrivs who blocked it's legalization, you're banished from the land!
[Sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings,
We'll lead as Two Kings.
Ahhhaaa [Two Kings, we'll lead as Two Kings]
Ah-ha ah-how,
Lead as Two Kings.
[Spoken]
The second decree: no more pollution, no more car exhaust, or ocean dumpage. From now on, we will travel in tubes!
[Sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings, oh, yeah,
We'll fuckin' lead as Two Kings.
[Spoken]
Get the scientists working on the tube technology, immediately. [Tube technology.] Chop, chop, let's go.
[Spoken]
Third decree: no more... rich people and poor people. From now on, we will all be the same... ummm, I dunno, I gotta think about that...
[Sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings
Ah yeah, ah yeahhhahahaha.
Ha-ha-ho-hee, ha-ha-ho-hee-ha-ha-ho-ho-ho-ho.
[Spoken]
JB: Oh my God.
KG: Ahh... What?
JB: Dude, the red phone is flashing.
KG: Oh, yeah.
JB: Let me scoop that up. Hello? Two Kings.
KG: Who is it?
JB: What?! No! No fucking way!
KG: What?
JB: Rage, there's a potato famine in Idaho, you gotta go down there!
KG: Oh my God... what?
JB: Dude, I gotta stay here!
KG: Why do I have to go?
JB: Please! Please!
KG: Oh, God, okay.
JB: Awesome... is he gone? Alright, emergency meeting of Parliament. All right Parliament, I know this is fucked up, but Rage, he can't be King anymore. Dudes, he's encroaching on my decrees! Seriously, let's make him "Duke," a kick ass "Duke." Or "leader formerly known as King," but-- uh-oh he's comin' back...
[Sung]
We'll lead as Two Kings, oh yes
we'll really lead as Two Kings.
[Spoken]
KG: Uh, dude?
JB: Rage.
KG: I went all over Idaho...
JB: Yeah?
KG: Uh, plenty of potatoes everywhere.
JB: What? There was no famine?
KG: Yeah, there was no famine, no.
JB: Dude.
KG: I don't know what's uh...
JB: A toast...
KG: A toast...
JB: Long live the "D."
KG: Long live the "D."
[clinking of glasses]
JB: Long live me. I'm sorry, I poisoned your wine.
KG: What?
JB: For the good of the land.
KG: You p-- I poisoned yours... huh heh, as well.
JB/KG: Noooooooooo!!!!!
No!
[Sung]
City, city, city, city, city, city, shitty.
Shitty, city, shitty, shitty, city, city, shitty.
Hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall.
People inside me are askin' me to smoke up City Hall,
'Cause no one here is talkin'.
People inside me are askin' me to blow up City Hall,
'Cause no one here is rockin'.
People inside me are askin' me to blow up City Hall,
'Cause everyone is Rock-'em Sock-'em Robots.
Everyone is Rock-'em Sock-'em Robots.
Everyone is Rock-'em Sock-'em GO! OH!
[Spoken]
JB: Don't, cut that part out.
KG: We've got it.
--
JB: Um, do you believe in God?
KG: I believe, I believe.
JB: You do?
KG: I believe in God. I believe in God.
JB: [laughs] Y'do--
KG: I believe in God.
JB: Do you?
KG: I believe in God.
--
Malibu Nights
KG [Spoken]: Yeah, but you didn't fuckin' come out with this [one]--! [cuts off on "one"]
[KG starts playing]
JB [Spoken]: I got some lyrics.
[Sung]
Malibu nights, tangerine dreams,
Malibu neighs, Malibu dreams,
Malibu, makin' a poo.
Stinky poo, lookin'd view.
Because it's time for my breakfast,
It's time for some cheese.
It's time for the stink,
Time for the breeze,
Time for the... hah-or-eeee!
lyrics added by Insanity_Himself - Modify this lyrics
