Dirty Room (Part I)



So it begins in this room

Where my life was thrown astray

The death of innocence

Nothing will ever be the same



Caught in the slide, caught in a prison

Nowhere to hide, legs squeezed tight

And he shows me

Just what little girls are for

And I'm not here anymore



And even a child of five can see

There is something wrong with this

Taking what I have to give

As I'm taking him in



Caught in the slide, caught in a prison

Nowhere to hide, legs squeezed tight

And he shows me

Just what little girls are for

And I'm not here anymore



In My Shell



I am a child of eight

Reborn in the fires

Hidden scars of pain

Thoughts are out of mind

But every time they surface

A shock to the system

Sensation overload

As I become undone



In my shell

Free from pain

Buffer me

Washing me

In my shell

I will find

My own hell

In my mind



Words are empty

They can't convey

Thoughts that need expressing

So much left unsaid

Acting out

Killing time

Slipping up

Losing my mind



In my shell

Free from pain

Buffer me

Washing me

In my shell

I will find

My own hell

In my mind



I'm bursting at the seams

It's not what it seems

I'm just a child with a secret

I've seen too much for my eyes

I can't express what's on my mind

I've lost the will to even try

Flashbacks in my mind

I'm fighting an uphill climb

I've lost my will to roll the stone

Inviting in the demons

To cover up this feeling

And let my world just go to hell



If you could only see the real me

You'd probably turn in disgust

If you only knew my shame

I'd rightly earn your distrust

To think I could have laid with him

It's such a haze of memories

I finally see

I wouldn't blame you at all

If you saw me as a monster



In my shell

Free from pain

Buffer me

Washing me

In my shell

I will find

My own hell

In my mind



Mommy doesn't understand

But Daddy's there for me

Washing over



Soul Deceiver



Caressing the bottle

And burning the dragon

With no one around

It was instant comfort

Sneaking into the night

The darker side of life

Hanging with all the lowlife's

They all

Took a part of me

Took a part of me



Soul Deceiver, True believer

I can keep in all the pain

Suffocate me, violate me

I can keep in all the pain

The demons calling and I'll come crawling

To a hell that I create

The sun is setting, the light is fading

In the hell that I create



Mommy dropped the hammer

But she had lost control

In a blink of an eye

The streets were my home

At the age of fourteen

When he forced himself on me

With guilt and promises

They all

Took a part of me

Took a part of me



Oceans Of Insolence





Visions of grandeur infecting their minds

Clouding their views of humanity

Ignorance consumes one's intelligence

Unforgivable beyond any degree



Swimming in an ocean of turbulent emotion

Use me up, spit me out

Pain is all I see

Encapsulating me

Insolence around me

Chaos all around me



And you would hide behind your false sense of control

You tell yourself you give it up on your own terms

Living out of all the pain felt in the past

If only you could only see to learn from your mistakes



Powdered highs and inhaled lines

Lie beside the demons of my mind

And sex was always given to make sure they would love you

Freely offering yourself that was given and not taken



Breaking the body

Breaking the mind

Breaking the girl

Tearing the woman



Broken, Unclean, Dirty, Empty

Crying, Love me, Hurt me, Leave me



Promiscuity, a symptom of past

Human repository for men to leave their scent

Sparked from a tragedy, a miracle in the make

Motherly remedy, a new life is growing



Miracle



Once again the tide rolled in today

Thought I'd sink but the waters held me firm

Must have come from a higher source above

But I never had believed at all



I will …



Don't know where the waves will take me

I'm just a pawn out on the whim of the moon

Lunar gravitations peaking

All alone, I'm just a castaway, until you



By my side

August 31st just came and you were smiling

By my side

And I knew what love could be when you were smiling

By my side

A child's fragile mind and innocence

There was no other name for him

"Miracle" smiling by my side



Now I have some understanding

Through the chaos in my world

Miracle will be my anchor

In this ocean of insolence

In one moment, in one breath

Innocence beyond compare

Through his eyes, I‘m living life

For the first time in my life



There is a difference between living and existence



Born Again



Unaware I was lost

Until the moment I was found

A soul mate who can share my life

Under the "House of God"



It can never be the same

Now that I've found you

A missing part of my life

When I'm without you

The moment you tell me I'm worth it

Can brighten the darkest skies



Only Love



Time goes by and here I sit

Back to the old struggle

I thought I'd found a new haven

But addiction is so convincing



Only Love can save me

Only Love can set me free

I've been searching for a love

That can make me feel complete



Flying high while soul deceiving

You turn your back and nothing's left

It's wonderful what love can do

Scraping the tracks that mark you



Only Love can save me

Only Love can set me free

I've been searching for a love

That can make me feel complete



It's strange how things that matter

Can blow away like the breeze

I'm dying of thirst in the desert

You'll take what's at arm's reach

When he lays his hands on me

I can justify the cause

All will be forgiven

When he testifies his love



I have functioned in a haze

For the best of my life

And now it's easy for me to see

What this life has done for me

I'm reaching to find courage

God help me to speak my mind

All will be forgiven

When he testifies his love



What Little Girls Are For



Five years old, Dirty room

Here he comes, nowhere to hide

But inside closed eyes, shrinking away

Maybe he won't see me,



Legs squeezed tight, but not tight enough

It's never enough to keep him out

There in the dirty room

He shows me just what little girls are for



Caught in a slide, Caught in a prison

Nowhere to hide, legs squeezed tight

He shows me just what little girls are for

And I'm not here anymore



Fourteen years old, Alone with him

Guilt and promises in another dirty room

“If you really love me ....I promise we'll take it slow”

I guess he might have meant it - until I said no



Legs squeezed tight, but not tight enough

It's never enough to keep him out

Lying there with eyes closed tight

It'll be over soon if I don't put up a fight



Where the pain ends

Is where I begin

Scars are hidden deep within

Where only memories remain

I can tell you my secrets

But the pain is my own

It's always a reminder

Of what little girls are for



So I learned I was never worth as much

As when I was down on my knees

Or giving away these pieces of me

Silent screams in my head

Until I don't know who I am

I fear that I may have nothing left to give

As I'm taking them in

I'm losing myself to the wind

And my cries to god fall on silent ears

Now I know for sure just what little girls are for

And I'm not here,

And I'm not here,

And I'm not here anymore



Twenty-three years old, Alone in the car

Except for him as he shuts the door

I'm suddenly reminded what I am for

With eyes closed tight as I'm spinning



Legs squeezed tight

But not tight enough, it's never enough to keep him out

Oh Please God...Not again,

Another piece of me that's empty and dead



Where the pain ends

Caught in the Slide

Is where I begin

Caught in a prison

Scars are hidden deep within

Nowhere to hide

Where only memories remain

Legs squeezed tight

I can tell you my secrets

And he shows me

But the pain is my own

What little girls are for

Always a reminder

And I'm not here

Of what little girls are for

Not here anymore



Thirty years old and you're in my life

And you're so different from all the rest

The words from your lips tell me I'm worth so much more than I know

And maybe someday soon I'll believe

Your words can save me, erase these old stains

And help me to pick up the pieces of me

And maybe I'll find some redemption

And maybe someday soon I will find forgiveness for all my sins

And give me some room to come undone and find myself again



I am here ... I am here somewhere



Running Away



There is only so much pain

That the drugs can take away

Only so much cold to feel

Before our fragile minds decay

There is nothing left that's real

When you're constantly afraid

There is nothing left to feel

When they are all running away



Running blindly through a sea of sin

Fleeing the past of who you've been

Every time you thought you found your way

Another scar in your mind



The past can't be changed

You're running away

Every time I scrub

The stains won't go away



What was I dreaming?

What the hell was I thinking?

Hope can bring you promise

It can just as easily tear you down



I'm inside the outside

I don't know my place

If forgiveness is not an option

Then theirs a harsh truth to face



The past can't be changed

You're running away

Every time I scrub

The stains won't go away



Dirty Room (Part II)



So it ends in this room

Where my life will drain away

The death of a tortured soul

Never had a shot at life anyways



Caught in a slide, Caught in a prison

Nowhere to hide, Legs squeezed tight



And anyone could plainly see

The lives I touched are better without me

I've given all I had to give

Now I'm taking something for myself



Caught in a slide, Caught in a prison

Nowhere to hide, Legs squeezed tight



Ask The Angels



As life bleeds from my skin

I'm back there taking them in

Too late to save that little girl

I couldn't live there anymore

I had to break free of myself

Of all that I am, and was forced to

This path that I have taken has led me to a light

My story flashes right before my eyes

I just can't make the distance and go on with this life

But then again the choice was never mine to make

I'm just a child, lying here

Praying to the Heavens

To send their angels for me

I'm just a child, lying here

Praying for an angel

To come and take me away

If you could just ask the angels

To take me to you

"It's not your time" they say



Choices



Awakened from the light

In more ways than one

Wheels in wheels in motion

Directing the course of my life

The haze of disillusion

The misery of fear

The sense it's all so senseless

The sum of my whole life



Am I the product of another's wickedness?

Am I the sum of all my crimes?

Am I a statistic in god's plan?

Am I the child with a secret?



Here in that white room

Strapped to the bed

My efforts to end this life

Was all for nothing in the end

In a remorseful state of guilt

My love came back to me

Only to find his words

Were sharp enough to kill



There I was naked and standing revealed

As I'm looking for my father's outreaching hand

I felt all the love and I saw all the light

But it wasn't my time and he cast me from sight



Why was I made to suffer?

What point could any of that serve?

Where was the love and kindness

When I needed it the most?

They say you've got to have some blind faith

It's all a part of the master plan

But take that fucked up idealism

And shove it up your ass



Am I the product of another's wickedness?

Am I the sum of all my crimes?

Am I a statistic of god's plan?

Am I the child with a secret?



It all leads here

To this point in my life

I'm under observation

By the doctor's eye

A path is still before me

A fork before my eyes

But which one should I choose

Between the darkness and the light